Demented Randomness! And the Juppongatana!
by Burnt Up Old Sausage
Summary: CHAPTER ELEVEN IS FINALLY HERE! dies I changed the script dialogue to be more like an actual STORY... U Read and Review? IT's more than kinda random and weird...
1. The Dementedness Begins!

Okay, WOW! Someone actually wants to read this! OO (in shock) Anyways, I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, the Juppongatana, or the nicknaming of Shishio as " The Burnt up old Sausage," (This was made by Pu-chan in their story "Random," it was just so funny, I HAD to use it! Big apology to Pu-chan if you mind, I'm sorry…) Anyways, enough with me feeling bad about my lack of imagination! On to the dementedness!

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"And that's the 328th time that I proved that I was superior to lawn furniture! What a day!" Explained Houji to the innocent, big-eyed 3 year old children at the day care center where he worked when Shishio-sama wasn't ordering him around, telling him to do paperwork, and buy more instant cappuccino off the black market… "Oldi-man…" Inquired a young girl with big, cute brown eyes. "IT'S _HOUJI-SAN!!"_ screamed an annoyed Houji. "Moldy-can…." "_Houji-san!"_ " Koji-tan?" We'll leave this to the Bagel-man.

_Meanwhile, at the Shrine of the Six-and-currently-under-construction-to-be-seven Arches..... _

Shishio watched the Construction crew work from out of his living room. (That room with the couch) Yumi was reclining on the couch beside Shishio doing a 'newly adapted' _Official Shrine of the Not-Quite-Six-But-Not-Quite-Seven-Either Arches Official Crossword Puzzle! _ting! (Shishio adapted it himself with a sharpie and some white-out.) "Let's see…" pondered Yumi. "Singer most likely to be famous in 150 years…" The name 'John Lennon' was messily crossed out and 'Shishio Makoto' was hastily scrawled in barely legible red sharpie. "OH, good job, Mako-chan!!" squealed the ever-gullible Yumi. Shishio smirked his 'I already know that I'm the coolest guy in the world' smile, and said, "Yes, Yumi; want to hear me sing?" "Oh, yes, _please,_ Mako-chan, it would be an honor to listen to your beautiful voice!" We'll just leave this scene for the better survival of our own eardrums.

Kamatari was practicing. Not practicing her (Yes, for this story I will call him a her.) _Midari Benten _or _Benten Mawashi,_ mind you, but a much harder, more challenging task… namely doing the laundry. "Let's see here…" Murmured everyone's favorite transvestite. "Oh, Ew…. This is one of Usui's T-shirts… uggh… How did I ever end up doing this, I can't remember….Hey, one of Yumi's kimonos… hehe." Kamatari reached into her pocket and pulled out a canister of 'Uncle Melvin's super duper ultimate itching cream' when an all-too-familiar smell of over-cooked barbeque filled the air… "OOOH, one of Shishio-sama's socks!!" Squealed Kamatari, temporarily putting down the kimono. hugs the sock Chou walks by, and sees Kamatari clinging to a little fuzzy black sock and squealing with pleasure. "Okay..." he muttered. A bit too loudly. Kamatari slowly turned her head. "_Chou…" _she muttered dangerously, with bright red 'Sano angry at Kenshin for assuming he could be friends with Saito' eyes. Chou paled, and whimpered. Kamatari tucked the beloved sock into her kimono, and picked up her giant, 70-pound, newly-sharpened, lemony-fresh smelling chain-scythe. Chou finally stopped gawking like an idiot and ran for his life. Meanwhile…

Saizuchi was quite proud of himself. He, no-one else, but _he_, found some way to occupy Iwanbo for the rest of the day. "Here is a picture," Saizuchi had told him earlier that day. He had always felt offended when no-one ever asked to see it, he thought he looked rather dashing…. It was a picture of Saizuchi from his High School Senior Prom!! dun dun duuuuuun….. He was standing beside his 'beautiful date…' an old Max O' Lantern (The name Max is SO much cooler than Jack!) that he had found in a dumpster behind the school. He could remember the night perfectly…. "Come, dearest!" Cried the younger, still bald, 228 year old Saizuchi to a rotting pumpkin. He was bragging to all his 'friends' for weeks about the great date they had had. Saizuchi snapped back to reality to see Iwanbo newly rediscovering his sense of smell. (again.) "Now listen, idiot!" Cried the incredibly annoying old man. "Look at this picture, and tell me what you think of my beautiful hair," he added with a flourish, tossing his still-bald head with a hint of pride. "Tell me what you think by the end of today, if you can finish it by then…" In the current time, three hours later, Iwanbo still sat out in the garden of the _Shrine-that-I-guess-you-could-consider-as-currently-being-6½-arches,_ not having moved since that morning, staring blankly at Saizuchi's non-existent hair and yellow, blunt looking teeth, birds beginning to peck at his non-moving bulk. "Du-huh…. Hee hee…" He laughed stupidly as vultures began to fly overhead…..

Soujiro panted as he dutifully helped the construction workers erect the new arch in the _Shrine of the I'm-tired-of-having-to-find-diffferent-ways-of-saying-this-almost-seven Arches. _Suddenly, he heard a jarring sound cut through the early spring noontide air. The cherry blossoms stopped falling. The birds stopped singing. The sound was hideous—far worse than the many sounds of Houji in the bathroom….. Another jarring note pierced the air like an arrow. "Yellow Submarine…..Yellow Submarine… We all live in the—" A second, higher, female voice joined in, a bit better, but still horrible, and only knowing half the words. This was just too much for our poor Tenken. "_NO!!! SHISHIO-SAMA!!! HELP ME!!!"_ He screamed, and wept in sorrow and frustration. The noise, however, abruptly stopped. Shishio's bandaged, sausage-like face popped out of a window. "Sojiro, is that you again?!?" Soujiro looked up with big, cute eyes brimming with tears. "Awww, so sad…." Said Kamatari, stopping for a second. Chou nearly collapsed, trying to catch his breath, but Kamatari was on his tail faster than Shishio at Starbucks on "Burnt Up Old Sausages get a Free Cup of Cappuccino Day." (Commissioned by him, of course.) They both fled the scene, and now Yumi appeared and walked out on the balcony. She saw Soujiro's sad eyes and made up her mind. "Oh, Sojiro…" she called. "Catch!" She threw him a $15 giftcard for 'Clyde's Super Caffeine Integrated Pastry Shop,' which she kept in a pocket of her kimono for just such an occasion. Soujiro's eyes lit up, and sped away from the _Shrine of the Oh-My-God-This-Is-Getting-So-Annoying-To-Type-6-or-7-Archy-Shrine-Thingy_ as fast as he could Shukuchi.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------Still with me here? WOW, you must be bored! I'm sorry I'm such a bad writer! -- Anyways, I have chapters written through #8 currently, as of December 2, 2004 , and will post them based on how many reviews I get. If you want another chapter, review! PLEASE… (puppy dog eyes) Anyway, next chapter: Fuji , the florist! Yumi, with allergies! Anji's new hobby! See whatever happened to Kenshin! You won't want to miss it!

-Crispy, the world's biggest Shishio fan.


	2. Bagels, bowling, and Sojisnacks!

(Begins crying and sobbing inconsolably) WHY does no one review?? I feel so sad… all I ask… is one review… why does no one care about all of this time I spent? SADNESS. Oh well, maybe if I post the next chapter, SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY READ IT. Heh. Anyways, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, or any of its characters, they are all property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. I also do not own the phrase "Burnt up Old Sausage" in description of Shishio, this idea belongs entirely to Pu-chan. Now, to the story!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Fuji was daintily picking his way through the dense vegetation. When you are over 50 feet tall, getting around could be a challenge. "At last," he sighed. A sign hung from over a tall building. 'Oswald's Florists and Car Repair Center,' the sign read. Below it, another notice hung: 'HELP WANTED. MUST BE AT LEAST 50 FEET TALL, HAVE A SCARY WHITE WIG, AND CARRY AROUND A 20 FOOT LONG GIANT SWORDY THINGY.' Fuji was coming in for his job interview. Later that afternoon, he waltzed out of the florist department, flowers in his long, muscular arms, and a smile on his face. "Just wait 'till Shishio-sama sees _these!"_ he thought, taking a big whiff of the flowers he was carrying. Some of their petals mingled with the falling cherry blossoms as they fell. Fuji knew Shishio would be proud. "Mmmm…" thought the 50 foot tall florist. "Daffodils…."

Anji braced himself. STRIKE!! "Wow, another one!" he grinned at his bowling buddies. "C'mon, Usui, let's see you beat _that!!_" "Anji, you seem to forget the fact that I am blind," Usui muttered in a low voice. "Now carry on and we can stop by at Gramma Damma's on the way back to the _Shrine-of-the-now-further-constructed-but-still-not-quite-seven-arches._" About twenty minutes later, they approached the "Walk-Thru" counter. The intercom buzzed as an all-too-familiar voice came through… "Hello, _BAGEL!!! BAGEL!!!twitchtwitch _Thank you for choosing _twitchtwitch_ Gramma Damma's Donuts. My name is- **BAGEL!! BAGEL!!! **Himura Kenshin, may I take your twitch your order? twitch" Anji and Usui gave each other a scared look. "Battousai?" ventured Anji. "B-B-B-**BAGEL!!!!!!BAAAA------GEEEEL…..** n-no, I… I no longer answer to the name twitch of … of Battousai. twitch. This one--- this one---twitch-----twitch--- this---twitch----one----is no longer….twitch---the Battousai. twitch. BAGEL!!! DO YOU HAVE----- A BAGEL!!!!???" screamed the… "off center" Hitokiri. "As a matter of fact…" Muttered a very scared Usui, digging through his fuzzy gray, Granny-style purse. "Ah, here it is." He handed one of his own, homemade bagels to Kenshin. "Here you go, old chap!" Kenshin obviously seemed to notice, as the spasmodic twitching quickly stopped. Instead, he was now just staring at the lumpy, misshapen thing like it was some sort of god. "L-L-Lucifer?? Is it really you??" Tears of joy were cascading down the rurouni's face. "H-here." Said the bagel-obsessed ex-samurai. "Take your pastries and go…. And leave me and the bagel alone… Lucifer…after all these years…!" Usui and Anji grabbed their donuts and ran away from the crazed rurouni like Shishio ran away from Yumi after Yumi thought that he had signed up for the "I need to start dating older women application form." (Yumi eventually found out that the form was Saizuchi's. --…) Meanwhilst…

Sojiro was walking back from Clyde's Super Caffeine-Integrated Pastry Shop with a strange glint in his eye, when Chou practically ran into him. POW! Chou _did_ run into him. "S-S-S-Sojiro!!" gasped the out-of-breath broomhead. Everyone's favorite Tenken gave Chou an appraising glance. "Th-Th-That crazy tr-transvestite is still after me! You gotta help me hide!" Sojiro heard Kamatari's voice calling from up the alley. "Chou-ou…… where a-a-are you-ou-ou…. I'm gonna fi-i-ind you…. And I'm gonna ge-e-et you…" Chou's face turned desperate. "Please, Sojiro!" he cried. "We-ell…." Thought the Tenken with an evil smile. He had never really been too fond of Chou, come to think of it… Chou got an idea just as Kamatari's large chain-scythe weapon's shadow appeared in the alley. "Will you do it for a Soji-snack?" Sojiro considered, and shook his head. "Two-o-o Soji-snacks?" Kamatari's shadow loomed in front of the alley, and Chou cried out in panic. "Oh, what the hell! Sojiro, take _all _my Soji-snacks, for all _I _care! Hmmf!" Chou began to run away just as Kamatari appeared in the alley. "Oh, hello, Soji-kun!" (_BIG _smile.) "Have you seen that broomhea- HEY, LOOK, Soji-snacks!!"

Meanwhile, back at the _Shrine-of-six-and-_still_-not quite-seven-yet-Arches..._. Shishio was playing Go Fish with Houji, who had just returned from his day-job at the day care center, with several Cheerios stuck on the fuzzy green mold-like stuff on his jacket, and Yumi, who had changed into her _even more revealing _pajamas, even though it was only just around 5:00pm. Houji and Yumi were careful to let Shishio win, as they didn't want to have to suffer his crispy, sausagelike wrath. Houji kept glancing at Yumi. _Oh…my…GOD._ Thought Houji. _How much more slutty can this woman get?? This is ridiculous._ Yumi seemed to notice Houji staring at her, and scooted closer to her beloved Shishio-sama. Shishio looked at Yumi with his bright red eyes, and glared at Houji with a "You keep looking at my girl, you get burnt to a crisp within the next 3 seconds" look. "**_A-A-ACHOOO!_**" sneezed Yumi. "What's wrong, Yumi, my love?" Asked Shishio with genuine concern. "I- _Achoo!_ Don't know! _Achoo!_" Just then, Fuji burst (literally) into the room, his hands full of flowers that were giving off an abundant odor of daffodils… and pollen.

To Be Continued….

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Okay, NOW will someone please review?? Please? Come on, you slackers, click that little button, leave me a note.... otherwise suffer my burnt up and sausagelike wrath! GWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Anyway, like always: for every review that I get, I will post a new chapter.

Review! NOW! -Burntupoldsausage (AKA Crispy)


	3. Houji's YM magazines, Saito dies

OK, 1 review, and counting! Domo Arigatou, Anime-Freak713! (sorry if I totally humiliated you there, you have the sincere apologies, and great thanks, of this terrible fanfiction writer.) Anyways, to keep my promise, I have posted another chapter! (Watch out, world, I have a way of being psychotic!) On to the dementedness, craziness, psychoticness, whatever. NOTE: This one owns not Rurouni Kenshin, that belongs to Watsuki-sama himself. I do not own the phrase "Burnt up old sausage, or the idea of Usui as a chef. These both belong to Pu-chan. CURSE MY UTTER LACK OF CREATIVITY!!

-Crispy (a.k.a. BurntUpOldSausage)

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The 50-foot tall florist tossed his flowers all around the room; they fell softly, as if drifting upon tufts of earthbound cloud and zephyr. But all this cuteness and figurative language was lost on poor Yumi-san, who, as we know now, has allergies. _Daffodil Allergies._ As Shishio wandered off to find Yumi a box of tissues (the cuteness of falling flowers was just too much for Mr. Bandage Pants.) he noticed Anji and Usui walking in the big, spiffy looking final arch in the set of _now-almost-completely-seven. _Usui was having some difficulty along the way, hitting arches #1, #3, #4, and #6. He also bumped into some angry construction workers, who were now shouted angrily at the blind, um… Blindsword. Anji resisted the urge to tell a really bad "blind guy walks into an arch" joke, and helped Usui along the path, until they saw His Sausagey-ness Himself. "Usui and Anji! Go find me a box of Kleenex! And bring me a cappuccino, while you're at it!"

The miss-matched pair lumbered inside, into the room where giant falling daffodils still drifted through the air. One of these 5 foot wide flowers plummeted into Usui as he entered, and he fell to the ground a heap with a giant Daffodil over his head. **"HELP, HELP, I CAN'T SEE!!!"** screamed Usui. "Um, Usui?" Asked Houji with a strange look on his face. "Oh, yeah…" Said the Blindsword thoughtfully. "Right…"

Suddenly, the wide, ornately carved wooden gates slammed inwards, and Chou ran in, closely tailed by Kamatari, clutching the black woolen sock to her chest and screaming with anger. Sojiro followed in with a leisurely air, and the general appearance that he had been stuffing himself with caffeinated pastries all day. He promptly headed for the kitchen, seeing if Usui had been baking recently. He breathed a sigh of caffeinated relief as he smelled no burnt rubber, deep fried melon, or the occasional wig, blackened and burnt to a perfection that could have rivaled Shishio's skin, Usui's usual "specialties." (Henya designed wigs for the rest of the Juppongatana, but was rarely seen other than that, as he preferred a life of slacking off, just as Shishio-Sama himself, except that Henya slept 18 hours per day. Happy, (Like Always!) the sugar-high'ed Tenken bounced into the kitchen, with a single goal in mind—He knew where Shishio kept the coffee.

Saizuchi strutted into the room in all his 3 foot tall glory, walking over to where Fuji stood, careful not to get stepped on by either Kamatari or Chou, who were running perpetual circles around the room. Anji had fetched the tissues for the now red-nosed Yumi. Houji walked away as quickly as possible, walking to his office to read his YM magazines. Though the rest of the Juppongatana found this frightening, or, in Shishio's case, "Just plain scary," Houji enjoyed reading all about makeup application and which pleated skirt would just look _sexy_ with his **business suit** almost as much as he loved to sample Usui's "New Wave" cooking. Meanwhile, Anji escorted Yumi to go find Shishio-sama, trying not to spill the Bandage Man's coffee.

Suddenly, Shishio burst into the room from the huge double doors in the front, silhouetted by a storm that had just picked up, splattering the already seriously underpaid construction workers, _Sano, Aoshi, and Saito, _until they were thoroughly soaked. "I'll just step inside for a break," Said Sano, more than well known for being a slacker, the warm, golden glow from inside the shrine making him forget the fact that inside resided his greatest enemies of all time. "Moron." Yawned Saito. "Stop whining and get back to work! That overcooked turkey isn't payin' us to stand around doing nothing!" "_He's hardly paying us at all!"_ Continued Sano. Aoshi kept working in silence, until Saito made the biggest mistake of his whole Aku, Soku, Zan'ed life. _Touching Aoshi's hair._ Saito tapped Aoshi on the shoulder. "Hey, Aoshi! Tell this moron that it's stupid to try to-----AAAARRRGGHH!" Aoshi had stabbed him through his hawkish-nosed, projecting-chinned, ugly-as-Hell face. Saito died then and there, falling rain and mud forming the only grave he would ever have. (Until someone noticed his dead carcass lying there the next day, and, after Usui had laughed his head off at him, threw his body in the wilderness, to be taken care of by his namesake wolves however they saw fit. Sano and Aoshi stepped underneath one of the completed arches, to take at least partial shelter from the elements, and Sano poured both of them some Sake, with a funny glint in his brown eyes, and an already-giddy smile. "_Banzai_."

To Be Continued………

Crispy (AKA BurntUpOldSausage :) WOW, what a morbid ending! -- This one shall post another chapter along this one, de gozaru ka! Sorry if I got the tense wrong on that, I'm not too great in Japanese…

Shishio: Pretty miserable, if you ask me.

Crispy: HEY, it's Shishio-sama!! BIG smile. (Shishio-sama is my favorite character)

Shishio: OK, you're being psychotic. Even more psychotic than _I _am…(mumbling) and that's saying a lot…

Crispy: Well, NYA! I like Sojiro better anyway, cause YOU'RE a MEANIE!! (cute frown)

Shishio: Fine. No coffee for you. walks off all dejected.

Crispy: Oh well… I know where his instant cappuccino vault is, anyway1 HAHA! evil grin Oh, and by the way, leave me a review, kudasai? I have pastries… attempts to hide pastries as Sou-chan walks in Oh, hi, Soji-chan!! big smile

……………………………………………….

-Crispily, BurntUpOldSausage. (spell-check says 'crispily' is not a word. BURN IT!! ) (sweatdrop) by the way, remember- the more reviews you leave for Crispy, the more chapters Crispy shall add…HINT, HINT.


	4. Shishio's cappuccino, Kamatari's revenge

OK, a short header this time! (I bet you're all asleep by now out of boredom…) -- I'm sorry I'm such a terrible writer! I truly am! I do not even own Rurouni Kenshin, or the nicknaming of Shishio-sama as "The BurntUpOldSausage." (This by Pu-chan.) or as " Bandage Man." (This by Kitten Kisses.) BOY, do I lack creativity… --

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Chapter 4 finds Shishio-Sama in a state of inconsolable depression. "I wish I could sing as well as Battousai-san…" Bandage Man thought out loud. "I want long hair, too… I wish I could draw as good as Kamatari-san and Battousai-san… I wish I could be good at just _one thing,_" He half-sobbed, wallowing in self-pity. Yumi attempted to comfort the good ol' Crispadora. "But Mako-chan, you _CAN_ draw, and sing, and if it weren't for those damned Meiji officials, your hair would be even longer than mine," She reasoned. "Besides, I bet you only feel like this because we're keeping you on decaf for a week." This was evidently the wrong thing to say. Shishio catapulted himself from his soft squishy purple armchair (He was in _Yumi's_ half of the room.) (They shared a room, but it was divided in half, with each half like a separate room.) (Before you ask, _YES, there WERE screens!_) and flew toward the door in Homura Dama speed lunges. "**_COFFEE!! CAPPUCCINO!! EXPRESSO!!!"_** He shrieked, his bloodshot, sleep-deprived eyes flashing with the very thought of caffeination, after a shocking 2 hours of being deprived. It was a record.

Yumi ran after him, but even _Yumi_ couldn't restrain a Burnt Up Old Sausage with a lust for Coffee and all things included. Luckily, Houji and Sojiro (who was perfectly content with keeping all the coffee to himself!) had thought to set up an elaborate course of booby traps all the way to the kitchen. The only problem, of course—"_Kamatari!!"_ shouted Yumi. "_What did you **do?!**_"

Believe it or not, Kamatari had _finally _wreaked her horrible vengeance on Chou—now _He_ was stuck doing laundry for a week, and he wasn't happy. (Although he did believe it was better than being decapitated on the spot, but just barely—Imagine having to wash out _ALL_ the laundry produced by 12 people… and that's everything… from T-shirts, to _obi,_ to training socks, to _undergarments,_ EVERYTHING. Not a pretty sight.) While in the process of doing so, however, Kamatari had set off many, if not all, of the traps. From snake pits (all the snakes were found decapitated and tied together as a rope) to a virtually indestructible radio that played "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt" incessantly. (This was hidden under Usui's bed, set to go off at 3:47 AM.)

Kamatari hollered right back at Yumi, angrily. "You goggle-eyed chimp! Just 'cause you got a room with Shishio-sama, you feel all high and mighty! I'm still gonna beat you, though, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!!" Just then, Kamatari was practically mowed over by a very distraught and caffeine-deprived Shishio-sama himself. "See, Yumi??" Kamatari laughed. "It's _obvious_ that he likes me!!"

Sojiro was in the kitchen, involved in the lengthy process of tapping Shishio's instant cappuccino supply, intent on smuggling as much into his room as possible before Shishio finally snapped and returned for more coffee. Unbeknownst to him, however, that time was coming far sooner than he and his three wheelbarrows-full were ready.

He remembered the first time he had discovered Shishio-sama's instant cappuccino vault. He had been very young—only ten years old, at that—when he had discovered the irreplaceable joy of coffee. Shishio-sama was taking a lazy day and told Houji to watch Sojiro to make sure he didn't get into any trouble. Sojiro had been exploring the kitchen of the _Back-Then-It-Had-Been-The-Shrine-Of-Only-Four-Arches, _(Houji had promptly fallen asleep on the job.) when he saw a tiny crack in the wall. He tried to look in, but could see nothing, yet a powerful, enticingly pungent scent flowed and washed over him, as if he were falling through a cloud of wonder and curiousity. (Here I go with the weirded out figurative language again!) He had cautiously picked at the crack with the side of the blade of his old wakizashi, and the chunk of wood came off in his fingers, revealing a small crawlspace, the source of the scent issuing forth around him. After a quick look around to see Houji wasn't watching, he squeezed himself through the space and tried to replace the wood slab behind him. There was no light, anyway.

He crawled further, always feeling ahead with one hand, the scent always eluding him, driving him ahead. Suddenly, he fell! He had remembered too late to check the ground in front of him. He was falling….falling… There was no use in screaming—he could not have been heard. There was no use in regretting the inevitable. The poor terrified Tenken braced himself for the impact, his slender frame trembling slightly, when he received a surprise. A very pleasant surprise. A very tasty, pleasant surprise. He had landed in a pile of something soft, and powdery, like dust, and a cloud of it had forced its way into his open mouth. He liked the taste. It was an enormous room—he could see it well now, as there were lights illuminating the walls of the circular room at regular intervals. He was not too good at assuming measure, but it would have been safe to call it about 20 meters in diameter. And it was all full of coffee. _Lots and lots of coffee_. As Sojiro had grown, he had cut the crawlspace bigger and bigger, until he found the door Shishio-sama used—Using it was risky, as it led directly to Shishio's room, but it had a ladder, a _diving board, _and even that WATER SLIDE that always seems to appear in demented stories such as this.

That was where Sojiro was now, smuggling coffee and fully intent on keeping up the 'cute and innocent' appearance he was so good at it he was caught. Sojiro was just about to Shukuchi off to his room again when the door to the kitchen BURST open, and a glowing purple-eyed, psychotic Bandage Man ran inside, and quite literally stuffed his face into one of the instant cappuccino wheelbarrows, and started chugging mouthful after mouthful of instant cappuccino _that was still in its powder form._ Sojiro got an "Oro" expression on his face, and slowly backed away, before quickly running from the kitchen with his two remaining wheelbarrows, severely scared by the state of Shishio's coffee dependence.

Meanwhile, in the next room, Henya was at last awakening, ready to start up his wig business, as usual. The seriously weirded out psychocity yawned, and took the poison tips from his plasticy, fake-o wings and began making a new, neon purple wig from his pile of hair that he had stolen from Houji at one point. He was now going to sell Houji's own hair back to him, dyed neon purple, for one low, low installment of $32.50. _Such is the life of psychotic wig-makers,_ Henya thought. _Now I just have to finish that red-haired one for Saizuchi…_

A few hours later, Shishio was chained to his bed, with a steady supply of anti-caffeine tablets that Yumi and Kamatari were giving to him anytime that he got that psychotic, coffee-deprived look in his eyes. (In other words, several times a minute.) Houji now strutted past with his new, 100 stolen hair ™ neon purple wig. He looked inside the open (Or maybe it would be safer to say, "Smashed to little tiny pieces with a Shishio-shaped hole in the middle from the last time he had escaped") door, and walked slightly faster. He didn't see Usui coming up right in front of him, and Usui didn't see him. (WOW.) Crash. Houji's curly haired purple wig flew across the room, and landed on a hotel lobby plant that had mysteriously located itself in the _Shrine-of-now-because-Saito-is-dead-and-Aoshi-and-Sano-are-both-drunk-all-construction-has-been-stopped-and-it-is-now-still-6-and-almost-being-completed-arches. _(Whew, that was the longest one so far!) Its leaves bore an uncanny resemblance to Shishio-sama's hairstyle, except that they, too, much like Houji's wig itself, were dyed purple. (It _is_ Shishio-sama's favorite color, after all!)

Houji picked up his wig, and put it back on. Backwards. He then fled the scene before he was employed in the lengthy task of helping the Blindsword to stand upright. So, Usui just lay there, waiting to be helped and/or at least noticed, after awhile falling asleep and dreaming of beautiful pink ponies and hardware merchants, the usual. Meanwhile, Saizuchi was coming along…

TO BE CONTINUED……

Still with me here? is amazed Anyways, Crispy is always happy with reviews, and would love it if you could please leave one. Kudasai?

Shishio: You know, you sound really pathetic, whimpering around like that. The strong will live, the weak will die. It is the raw truth of life, and I am the strongest.

Crispy: throws a burning pastry at him MWA-Hahahaha…

Shishio: FIRE!! FIRE!!! starts burning

Crispy: Oh, "sorry…" (in actuality, feels huge remorse, though shows it not.)

Crispy dumps pudding on Shishio-san, fire goes out, Bandage Man is covered in Tapioca.

Shishio: WHAT THE SPLEEEEEEEP DID YOU DO **THAT **FOR, YOU LITTLE **SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP** (glowing red eyes)

Crispy: ….....

Shishio is bored, walks off to remove large globs of pudding that drip off of him with every step.

Crispy: (fighting with her conscience) That WAS really mean, Crispy… (I actually DO talk to myself sometimes- scary, huh?? ) It was worth it, though… looks at snapshots of Shishio covered in pudding Hehehe……….

-Crispy, (a.k.a. BurntUpOldSausage


	5. Saizuchi's wig, and more Usui intelligen...

Konnichiwa, minna-dono! And another heaping thank you to Anime-Freak713 for being my only reviewer so far, you have made this burnt up old sausage so happy! (answer to question: yeah! Am I psychotic, or what?? .) Disclaimer: I have not created the nicknames or RuroKen characters. 'Nuff said. One more thing: You see, I originally wrote this to...unboredom-ify (Who's SOooooo good at inventing new words!? ) my friends, so, especially in the following chapter, a lot of my friends make cameos, or are just mentioned. I will do a 'character guide' for the next chapter, but in this one, a guy named Daniel is mentioned-- he's one of my many friends school (NO, not a boyfriend!) (sweatdrop) (odd how your mind always jumps to these things, huh!) and his favorite Ruroken character is Usui, so we sometimes call him Usui. Just a note, hope this will stop you from chasing me around with sticks and torches! -.-

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Where we left off, Usui was sleeping on the ground, Shishio was chained to his bed, being force-fed a large quantity of anti-caffeine tablets, and Saizuchi was walking by…

…Wearing his new, long red-haired wig, _in a ponytail. _Saizuchi hummed One Half as he strutted through the hallway, and accidentally stepped on Usui's sleeping form. The Blindsword bolted upright, and glared in what he thought to be the felon's direction. "**I SEE YOU!!!**" shouted Usui, jabbing a finger at the hotel lobby plant. Saizuchi shrank backward with a look on his face very similar to Chou's right before Kamatari had started chasing him with her chain scythe. "What is it, that smell…" muttered the Blindsword in that creepy voice he always has when he gets that weird smile…. Usui—a note to you. Your smile is really, really strange. (Usui-Usui, not Daniel-Usui.) (SEE NOTE AT TOP!) "Houji!! I can SMELL it!! That smell of hair that hasn't been washed in over a year, and teeth that are nearly as bad as Saizuchi's!!" (Saizuchi gave an injured sniff.) "Yes…. yes….." cackled the Blindsword psychotically. "HOUJI, YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!!" He shrieked with contempt at the emptiness around him, stampeding after where he assumed Houji was. He promptly hit a brick wall. Twice. He picked himself up wearily, much of his anger dissolved from the force of the collision to his head. (Meanwhile poor Sou-chan, with his room on the other side of the wall, drinking instant cappuccino, almost spilled some on his favorite hachimaki, the poor guy…)

Anyways, back to Usui, who just ran twice into a brick wall at about 70 mph. (No sympathy here!) He then stumbled off with difficulty to find Houji, following the K-mart scent of his brand new halter top and miniskirt. Presently, Shishio-sama had had just about his fill of anti-caffeine pills. He kept his mouth clamped tightly shut, like a four year old child refusing to eat his vegetables. "Come on, Mako-chan!" Wheedled Yumi. "Open up, here comes the train…! Vroooom, Vrooooooom…" Said Kamatari, trying to maneuver the anti-caffeine pills into his burnt up mouth. But Bandage Man was not terribly fond of trains, and was scared at the thought of _anyone_ calling him Mako-chan. He started thrashing around, with all the force of a fully-grown sausage in the wild. The chains clinked loudly, hell-bent on restraining their captive, and Shishio screamed out in exasperation, a scream that ended rather abruptly as Yumi stuffed a rather large handful of anti-caffeine tablets down his throat.

Shishio felt like he was about to throw a tantrum. Just then, though, he saw something that pushed him over the limit. _Saizuchi's long, red haired wig, tied up in a ponytail,_ walking down the hallway, calmly as you please, having escaped Usui's tunnel visioned (haha) wrath. This was just too much. With one last desperate pull, with all of his muscular body stretched to the breaking point, he _tore through _the chains that restrained him. Saizuchi turned casually, and was bowled over by a flying, bandaged blur—or at least, that's what it looked like to him. A split-second later, Shishio-sama had knocked him into the ground and held a katana at his neck, breathing very hard, with a psychotic red glow in his eyes. Saizuchi whimpered. Shishio blinked. "Battousai??!" He said, strangely calmly. "What the—" he picked up the wig and studied it for a second. "Saizuchi! What the crap is this thing??!" Saizuchi coughed nervously. "Well, um… that's just another of those wigs that I bought from Henya-san. I'm sure you've seen my other ones, my blue one, my green one, my bluish green one, my blonde one, my brown one…" Shishio cut him short. "OKAY, **OKAY**, SAIZUCHI!! I'm just saying…" He paused to set the red wig on fire, and watched it burn. "You had better not buy any more red-haired wigs, or I'll take care of _you_ just like I did the Battousai!" (muttering: Creepy old man, never DID do anything useful…)

Meanwhile, Yumi and Kamatari had each taken hold of part of Shishio's purple kimono, and were dragging him away, as he was now weakened beyond resistance. Just then, Kamatari made a "startling" revelation: If they kept pumping Shishio-sama with anti-caffeine tablets, his need for coffee would keep increasing at many times its normal rate. Already, Shishio was almost dead. Literally and seriously, his continual struggles had almost killed him. In fact, he was just slipping out of consciousness. "_MAKO-CHAN!"_ screamed Yumi as Shishio's head lolled backward. "Coffee…" he coughed weakly. "Need... I need. " Kamatari explained her proposition to Yumi—they both knew they would need to get Shishio coffee—and fast.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Crispy: That was the single worst ending ever... starts coming off like a really, really bad suspense novel... Crispy is so sorry!

Shishio: (Now un-pudding-ified.) Y'know, really bad authoresses like you are stupid. You are weak. You will die crushed by my own sword, and it will be a happy day for all humanity....

Crispy pulls the rope-catchy-trap-thingy that Shishio just stepped on, and now he is hanging upside down.

Crispy: HAHAHAHA!!

Shishio cuts through the rope with one firey flare of his mugenjin. The only problem, of course...

Shishio: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

(He was suspended51 feet above the ground, and fell... headfirst... right onto... Fuji! Who is _exactly_ 50 feet tall!)

Shishio: Well, that was lucky!

Fuji picks Shishio up and sets him on the ground, gently. A GENTLE GIANT! WAHAHAHAHA! (He's probably a manatee, or something...o.0)

Meanwhile, though, Crispy has ducked into a closet, and emerged... wearing a broccoli suit! (lol, don't ask...)

Crispy: I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE. YOU NEVER ATE THAT BROCCOLI LAST NIGHT THAT USUI MADE FOR YOU........WOOOOOO!

Shishio: (Wide eyed) WHEN WILL THIS PSYCHOCITY END??

Crispy: I dunno, several more chapters... GWAHAHA......

Shishio: meep.

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LOL! Can you actually IMAGINE **SHISHIO** saying, "meep?" I know I can't! Anyways, This one gives sincere apologies for such a short chapter, but next chapter will be superlong! I promise it will be so, de gozaru de! Now, that I have been a nice Crispy, and not destroyed the world yet, (HEHE.) Leave this one a review! Kudasai? Douzo...! Just that little purple button, and 1 click away...

-Crispy, A.K.A. Burntupoldsausage.


	6. The long, confusing chapter! WOOT! n,n

OK, I posted a new chapter in honor of Alatril Carnesr, who I have forgotten to mention as a reviewer in my chapters.** CRISPY IS _SO_ SORRY!!** I was just using the 'reviews for all chapters' button, blissfully unaware... A big thank you also to Anime-Freak713, who is also faithfully reviewing! I'm so happy someone actually has confidence in this blissfully bad writer... Anyways, now for the promised longer chapter, and time to confuse you with all of my friends, and made-up characters! (actually only 1 of those, but...) GWAHAHAHA!

Beth: one of my best friends. A **Kenshin **fan.

Daniel: one of my friends. An **Usui** fan. Likes cows.

Don: (**Chou**-Don) A boy who does not want to be take anypart in anything anime related, and won't even join our anime club! ..BUT,we still signed him up as an 'honorary member,' since he resembles Chou so much that it's scary. (One eye always closed, spiky blonde hair, etc.) Go figure... o.0 Called Chou-Don because there is another Don, whom we call Yahiko-Don.

Don: (**Yahiko**-Don) Speaking of which... . Likes chickens. Like, to shoot chickens. ((o.0))

Maragaret: A **Megumi** fan.

Crispy: (ME! GWA-HA-HA-HA!) A **Shishio** fan. (Because there is another main Sojiro fan, but they do not appear in this chapter.)

Connie: A **Kamatari** fan.

Jerry: Beth's older brother. An **Aoshi** fan.

Marty: Beth's cousin. (Same age as Jerry.) A **Sanosuke (Sano)** fan.

**_Made-up Characters:_**

Mako-chan: Basically my image of Shishio as a 6-year-old child... so kawaii...o.0email me and I will send you pictures lol! n.n

Norbert Shishio: Described in chapter, basically Shishio's cousin. n.n

Ned Himura: Also described in chapter, Norbert's adversary.

NOW THAT I HAVE SUFFICIENTLY CONFUSED ALL WHO DARE TO READ THIS, BRING ON THE CHAPTER!! (talking to myself again...) -.- Ooh! The disclaimer: I own nothing. done. (Except the made-up characters above...)

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Chou laid a stack of repulsive smelling miniskirts on Houji's bedside table. He had to try to find room for it among all of the YM magazines, hair-care coupons, and posters of Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp. Chou was not very good at doing the laundry, and Houji wasn't the greatest at keeping his room orderly. "Houji!! Get your ass over here!" yelled Chou, more than fairly miffed at the contents of Houji's wardrobe. The seriously wigged-out (haha) Bagel man approached, wearing a way-too-short, way-too-tight hot pink miniskirt, the kind that would be worn by today's pop singers. He was wearing a tank top that had kittens on it. Chou set down (more like threw in Houji's face) the laundry, and walked off to Sojiro's room, muttering darkly about how it was hard to tell who was acted more gay—Kamatari or Houji. It was a disquieting thought.

He opened the door to the Tenken's room, to be greeted by a **HUGE** smile. _Uh oh._ Thought Chou. He had seen a trail of instant cappuccino mix leading up to where the Boy Assasin sat, and the demented look in his eyes; the traces of foam around his mouth. Sojiro turned slowly, twitching like he had been scarfing down several 3 pound bags of sugar since this morning. (Which was highly possibly the case.) "**HI, **Chou-this-is-so-cool-heeheeheee-yesterday-I-raided-Mister-Shishio's-instant-cappuccino-stash-this-is-so-cool-hee-**HEEHEEhee,**-but-don't-tell-anyone-HAAHHAAAA…hwa…**HAHAHAHAA!!**" The severely overcaffeinated Tenken was now rolling on the Tatami mats on the floor, laughing his head off, incapable of stopping, the first time tears had stained his face in over ten years, but they were tears of laughter, pure uncontrollable laughter, and Chou just left the laundry outside the door. He didn't want to provoke a twitching, caffeinated Sojiro… so he just left, with the firm resolution to move in with all of his Norwegian cousins, or somewhere else, far, far, away before this poorly written chapter is over. All the better for us, right?

Anyway, Kamatari, Yumi, and Iwanbo were all trying to help their boss, the almighty SHISHIO-SAMA, recover. After having endured the attempted "cures" of Yumi, (band-aids everywhere, including on top of his _bandages,_) Iwanbo claimed that it was _his _turn. Meanwhile, Kamatari was eating bananas. Thus begun Iwanbo's cure—he stood directly by Shishio-sama's bedside, (He was no longer chained down, though.) Leaped 30 feet in the air, and yelled, **"CPR!!!"** Yumi looked desperately up at the 800 pound, aptly named, "Round Demon" that was hurtling ever nearer to her beloved Shishio-sama, who, all band-aided up, could not even move. It was time for the thing Yumi is perhaps most famous for among all of her fans—the self sacrifice. Yumi leaped forward with a heart rending scream, and pushed Shishio's bed against the far end of the wall, in the corner. Meanwhile, though, Iwanbo fell, and would have crushed Yumi's slender form if it had not been for an oddly placed… banana peel?? Yumi looked at Kamatari in amazement. "Did you just… save my life?!?" Kamatari looked, if possible, more dumbfounded than even Yumi at the course of events. You see, Kamatari had placed the banana peel intending for Yumi to slip and perhaps even get some terrible injury… instead, however, that oddly placed banana peel had just saved Yumi's life. Finding her question unanswered by Kamatari's death glare, Yumi turned her attention to the Round Demon; or rather, where he _would have been_, if he had not bounced off immediately after he had noticed the course of events. _Probably the smartest thing he's ever done,_ thought Shishio, no stranger to the awesome force of Yumi's wrath. Meanwhile, Yumi's thoughts turned back to her favorite burnt up old sausage. She arrived at his bedside (He was _really_ almost dead by this time, it had been an impossible 6 hours since his last caffeination. He could hardly breathe, and his heart beat only weakly.) Yumi noticed these things, and gleefully announced that she would have to go into _artificial respiration._ As soon as she said this, however, Shishio's eyes snapped open, tearing the band-aids around his eyes in half. "**NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!**" He shrieked, with the same tone as if it had been doomsday. "**_JUST----BRING---ME----COFFEE!!!!!!!_**" He sobbed, _I JUST CAN'T **TAKE**__IT ANYMORE!!_ Thought Shishio. He knew he would die here, at the hands of a goggle-eyed slutmonkey, a stupid transvestite, and an 800 lbs. bowling ball. (Poor Shishio!! sob) "Why, of course, Mako-chan, you silly!" Said Yumi as if she had no idea this was coming, smiling sweetly. "If you wanted coffee, why in the _world_ didn't you _say anything_?" Even with all the band-aids, Shishio managed to slap his forehead.

About a half–hour later, Shishio walked out of the kitchen, good as old, burnt up and sausage-like, suffering from what was perhaps the only thing more dangerous than Shishio under-caffeinage—Shishio _over-caffeinage. _Basically, he was walking around with Happy Sojiro Eyes™, giving everybody hugs. -.-;;(sweatdrop) Needless to say, Kamatari was very happy, except for the fact that he now walked everywhere clinging to Yumi as if she were some kind of flotation device. This hugging habit was mainly scaring the rest of the Juppongatana however. Chou received yet another reason to want to leave, and Usui could smell the scent of barbeque, but not much else. Houji, however, thought to himself that it meant that Shishio loved his new outfit—basically something that could have been used as an Ivy ™ costume in Soul Calibur II. (If you don't know, you don't want to know…) He would now wear it to the next meeting, to try to impress Kamatari. (Recently, Houji had fallen in love with Kamatari's "feminine grace." Needless to say, the feeling was not mutual. Kamatari took any opportunity to insult Houji, hit him with a rake, etc. Besides—Houji didn't even know that Kamatari wasn't a girl.((O.O))

Just then, the doors of the shrine SLAMMED open, and a solitary figure stood there, framed by the landscape surrounding Mt. Hiei—it was a man, with a cross-shaped scar on his left... elbow. "Ned Himura!" Cried Norbert Shishio, randomly appearing out of nowhere. (Ned is Kenshin's long-lost cousin, and Norbert is Shishio's cousin, whom he consults for financial advice, as well as borrowing money to build certain steel-clad battleships…) The two walked outside, and pained screams, as well as ice-cream truck music could be heard. "Well," said Houji. "That was random. HEY, **YOU** up there!! Author of this utterly pointless jumble of words! Actually try to have a _plot _going through here, for once! I'm tired of how you only talk about _Shishio_ _and Sojiro _in these stories, too! I'm a nice guy! Try to work me into some more of your dumb little escapades, why don't you!! BLADDY-BLADDY-BLAH,BLAH…" Suddenly, I am in the story. POOF! Authoress powers. like usual, I start overreacting. "**WOW!! It's like, the Juppongatana!!**" ("Wow." muttered Houji. "You're fired." Said Shishio.) I start running around, acting like Sojiro on caffeine, with Happy Sojiro Eyes™, giving everyone hugs. "…HEY!!!" Shouted Shishio. "That's **my** description!!"

"Oh well." I said, with that evil touch I always put into my conversations. (From now on, I will call myself Crispy, for lack of a better pseudonym.) "I'm the one who gave it to you, plus, _I _have authoress powers, and _You _don't." Shishio got a pouty expression. "Fine." He complained. "That's still plagiarism, though… somehow… Sojiro, back me up, here!" "Shishio-san is right, de gozaru ka!" chirped the ever-happy Tenken. Anji rolled his eyes. "So now _you're _talking like the Battousai?? that's just plain weird…"Yumi was about to start yelling at me for being mean to Shishio-sama, when I had a startling revelation—"…Hey! I just noticed something! There are _four _"Shishios" at this scene! There's me… There's the Bandage Man himself…" Shishio nodded. "Little Mako-chan over there…" Mako-chan stuck his head out of a closet, from which loud pop music was coming from, and it sounded like there were a lot of voices, like some kind of huge party. Mako-chan winked and struck a cute pose. "Come _on_, Mako-chan!" said the voices of two people—girl voices, and they stepped out to pull him back into all the action—it was a high school prom, and Mako-chan, _at age **6,**_was the Prom King. The two people were two blonde girls who looked about 18 or 19, with dresses even more revealing than Yumi's. They took Mako-chan's hands and led him back to the action. As Mako-chan went back to the party that was being thrown for and about him, Shishio-sama stared at where the two blonde girls had come from with a 'What the crap?!' expression on his face. "And then there's Norbert." Loud laughter, ice-cream truck noises, and screaming punctuated the syllables of his name.

Usui was drawing a chart that looked like a bunch of illiterate scribble. (The guy _is_ blind, y'know…) "So, if I kill THAT Shishio first, then THAT one will be all-too-vulnerable to my wrath…" Shishio cleared his throat. "A-_hem._" "Uh, sorry!" said the hapless Blindsword. "Carry on, Shishio, my good chum!"

"Um, Usui-san?" asked Daniel, who, like quite a few of the other KFC members, (The KFC is my friends' anime club-- Kenshin Fanclub! n.n)had appeared as a result of my authoress powers. "Can I have your autograph?" "Uh, sure…kid." Muttered Usui. He scribbled all over a piece of paper, then, after he was satisfied that it looked _something_ like, "Ounoma Usui," handed it back to Daniel. It looked like a badly done dot-to-dot puzzle. Usui saw (haha) his crestfallen face, and was about to say something incredibly sarcastic, when Daniel grabbed Usui's eyepatch, and ran away. "Mooooooo…"

Meanwhile, Beth rurouni'ed around the shrine, looking for Gramma Damma's Donuts. After finding the secret portal to Clyde's Super Caffeine-Integrated Pastry Shop™ in Sojiro's room, the Kenshin fan was confident that there HAD to be a portal, somewhere… Meanwhile, Don#1 (Chou-Don, not Yahiko-Don.) was sitting around, muttering what a pointlessly psychotic (And also very long) chapter this was. He did not want to be any part of either the KFC, or anything that had to do with it, including this fanfiction. **ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, THIS IS YOUR CUE—LAUGH AT HIM, AND MAYBE HE'LL WANT TO JOIN, OTHERWISE I WILL MOCK HIM IN EVERY CHAPTER HENCEFORTH.** Mwahahaha. Shishio's evil lessons were really paying off. Chou was even flaunting his evil side, forcing Don#1 to do the laundry. Connie's eyes were huge and super-shiny as she regarded with awe the giant, 8-foot long chain scythe that Kamatari used. She picked it up cautiously, swinging the chain around in circles. "Now," Lectured Kamatari. "Chain Scythe Lesson #1: How to track down and decapitate a Broomhead."  
I looked at my brand new, spiffy mugenjin with awe. Shishio-sama could be a really _cool_ Bandage Man, if you were evil enough. Hehe. I now proceeded to chug cup after cup of instant cappuccino. Shishio watched proudly, though I was nowhere _near _reaching his record of 49 mugs-full in a minute. I could always dream, couldn't I? I watched flames burn along the edge of the sword. "OOOooooooooh…….." I said, mesmerized. "Fiiiiiiiiirreeeee…."

Meanwhile, at the Kamiya Dojo… Kaoru was a bit flustered. Kenshin still hadn't gotten home from his donut-shop job, and it was almost 4 chapters since he had appeared in this fanfiction. That, and she had dropped her favorite indigo ribbon in a puddle of water after last night's storm. How… dramatic. Meanwhile, Sano and Aoshi staggered back, drunk beyond a humanly possible amount. Beth suddenly popped up, having found the secret portal from the _Shrine-of-the-six-and-not-quite-seven-yet-because-all-of-the-construction-workers-are-either-dead-or-drunk._ Seeing Aoshi and Sano, she went ballistic. **_"LOOK YOU TWO!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?! NEITHER OF YOU TWO ARE EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK, TO BEGIN WITH!!! JERRY! MARTY! I REALLY EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU TWO!!"_** (Jerry is Beth's older brother, and Marty is Beth's cousin—both of them are in college, but not old enough to drink yet.) They just stared blankly as the very worked-up Beth dragged them back to the _Shrine-of-the-bladdy-blah, OK-we-get-the-picture. _Kaoru saw Beth walk through the portal and thought to herself what it could be… Anyway, Yahiko, Megumi, Don#2 (Yahiko-Don) and Margaret all stepped through the portal, along with Kaoru, but nothing could have prepared them for what they saw next… They were in Chou's personal bathroom, filled wall-to-wall with jars, cans, and canisters of Sparky McBobington's Super-Acorn-Scented Hair Mousse™!! (DUN DUN DUUUN….) Kaoru screamed in horror. Yahiko fell to the floor in a coma. Don#2 pulled out his chicken-gun 5000. Margaret snatched a bottle and stuffed it into a pocket of her sweater. _Black Market, here I come!_ She thought. Megumi walked back. "_I'm out of this moron-nest." _She muttered to herself. Meanwhilst… Usui was playing hangsausage. Every time he started a new game, he drew (or pretended to scribble) bandages and a purple bathrobe along with the person. (Or sausage.) It was not Kamatari's lucky day at guessing, either. "Um… A?" guessed the transvestite. "NO!" Said Usui gleefully. He tore the arm off of the Shishio plushie that he held. Kamatari sobbed with grief and remorse. "Sh-Sh- SHISHIO-SAMAAAAA!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!" "Shut up, Kamatari!" snapped an irritated Yumi. "Lord Shishio's taking a nap, he's getting some beauty rest." ("Not like he needs any…" She muttered with a smile.) It was also Mako-chan's naptime. He was sleeping in the next room, peacefully as an angel… (Except for when he talked in his sleep…) He lay on his purple, squishy bed, and dreamed of water-slides, (haha) unicorns, dragons, knights, princesses… he dreamed that he was in that fantasy world, burning them all. "Ha, ha…heeeeeeee…" He mumbled sleepily with a smile. "Mwa…ha…ha…" His dream changed, and he was walking through Kyoto. He had no desire to burn it, not just yet, and just lay back in the soft green clover and felt the golden rays of the sun wash over his face. A gentle breeze stirred the tranquil scene. He stood up, but suddenly felt somebody push him down again! A mean face appeared over poor little Mako-chan. It was Saito. Angry, Mako-chan saw himself set Saito on fire… again, and again… and again… A smile spread across the young boy's sleeping face—he was savoring the moment. Suddenly, something woke him from his happy reverie. The growling of his stomach. Boy, was he hungry! He stepped out of his soft, squishy bed and pulled on his bathrobe/kimono/thingy…whatever. He tiptoed to the kitchen. There it was, huge, golden, and full of sugary things. The COOKIE JAR. He crept up, and snatched all the cookies away, making sure to leave a trail of cookie crumbs leading up to where Houji was sleeping on the job. He practiced his evil laugh as he stuffed 8 cookies in his mouth at once. (He _is_ Shishio, after all!) "MWA-hmm-hmm-hmm!" He tried to laugh, spraying cookie pieces all over Houji. _My work here is done,_ he thought evilly. Meanwhile…

To Be Continued… (great place to leave off, huh?)

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Crispy: Lol, sorry for being psychotic, Crispy will eliminate all non-real characters (except for maybe Mako-chan and Norbert and Ned, lol!) n.n in the next chapter. See you then...and stuff.

Kenshin: I can't believe you**- BAGEL!! BAGEL!!-** took my quote! (twitch)

Shishio: AAK! It's the Battousai! HAHAHAHA!

Shishio sprays Kenshin with my pudding launcher. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Crispy: As seen in chapter 4.... or whatever it was! lol

Kenshin is bombarded with pudding. He is flung from the room from sheer force of dairy products.

Curly's Dairy random advertising guy: Now **that's** three servings per day!

(He dies...somehow.)

Crispy:...

Shishio: Hey, free coffee!

(runs to advertising guy, steals Starbucks coupons.)  
Shishio:GWAHAHAHAHAHAHA...............

(Crispy replaces Starbucks coupons with coupons for Victoria's Secret... apparently that advertising guy is a cross dresser! ((O.O))

(Shishio runs off, laughing manaically, and everyone stares at the coupons.)

Kamatari: I** KNEW** it!! HE **_loves_** me!!

Yumi: (scared look) Sh-Sh-Shi..shio...sama.....

Crispy: (With Starbucks coupons) Hahahahahaha....(evil grin as shares 'winnings' with Sojiro.)

-Crispy (A.K.A. Burntupoldsausage) n.n OH! By the way, review, please? (flaunts brand new mugenjin menacingly... toward a pastry. n.n)


	7. The super demented Mouse Idea

AAK! This one is so sorry for the delayed posting of this chapter... I've been a BAD girl... BAD CRISPY! NO CHEEZ-IT! -.- I've been SUPER busy... I'll try to make up for it later, but I have an important notice-- I've kinda... run out of chapters that I already have written. I'm gonna have to actually start WRITING this ACTIVELY now... or else I'll start getting pegged by bokkens, vegetables, etc... (Swirly eyes) So next couple of chapters may also be a bit late, but I'm trying! Really, I am! Please don't hate me... (swirly eyes, again...-.-) Disclaimer: If I owned any of this stuff, it would be called, "Rurouni Shishio," And be all about the Juppongatana. Apparently, though, this is not the case. (I WISH!) n.n

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Crispy: Oh, no!! I have too many loose ends to tie up…! Uh-WAAAH! How the crap am I gonna be able to work everybody into this thing, I dunno… Maybe I should just have a big comet come and-

All: NO!!!!

Kaoru: Yeah, stupid authoress, actually put my dear Ken-chan back into the story, instead of that bandaged freak and that Sojiro guy…

Sojiro: What about that Sojiro guy?(Great Usui impersonation, I must say, Sou-chan. High-5!)

Usui: Sojiro, I really don't see how that's supposed to be funny.

Shishio: (rolls his eyes) Well, DUH, Usui… (mumbling) an intellect rivaled only by garden tools…

Usui: I HEARD THAT!!!

Saito: Not surprised.

All: SAITO?!?!

Saito goes off on his "I feel smart because I know all about Heart's Eye" dumbass speech. A now un-drunken Aoshi hits him with a rake.

Aoshi: KYA, HAHA!! (All stare at Mr. Forgot-how-to-smile-at-the-age-of-4.)

Shishio is severely ticked off. This chapter was supposed to be about HIM.

Shishio: The strong will live, the weak will die… Houji, bring me a Danish. (All gasp.)

Houji: Uh, don't you want to kill Mr. Shinomori and _Hajime?_

Saito: (Angry Kaoru eyes. Kaoru: …HEEEEY!!) It's Saito. Not Hajime. _Saito._ (gets dangerous glare.) Houji prances gleefully around the room. He is still wearing a miniskirt and a tube top with the slogan: "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by a second time??" The typical preppy girl outfit. So anyways, Houji is bouncing around gleefully, clapping his hands and saying in a singsong voice, "_Hajime, HAJIME!!"_

Shishio was tired of wasted time, time that could be spent raiding the cookie jar. (UH, I MEAN… UH, WATERING… HIS PLANTS!!) n.n;;

Shishio: THAT'S ENOUGH, HOUJI!!! Houji walks off, dejected, to read YM. He knew better than to argue with Shishio when he had that purple glare in his eyes. "Now, Shinomori, and _Hajime,"_ "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed Saito in frustration. "Prepare to die, _Hajime…_again. (mocking smile) (mumbling) At least nobody would dare to call _ME,_ The Great Shishio Makoto, any embarrassing names…" Yumi opens the door, and calls out in a babyish voice, as if she were speaking to a 3-year-old child. "_Oh_, _Mako-chan…. _You're soap opera's on!!" Shishio's face turned the same bright red color as his eyes, beneath his bandages. "Great timing, Yumi…" He muttered. "OK, all other Juppongatana, besides Chou, because I don't like you!! (So gentle...-.-) Kill Shinomori and _Hajime._" Saito, er, uh…_Hajime_ would have exploded with anger if he had not been squished with an all-too-familiar Rurouni's sword. "_Ame Kakeru Ryu No Hirameki!"_Shishio's eyes were wide. "Only one person could have a voice so annoying!! It must be… Bagel-Boy!! Long time, no see!" Shishio and Kenshin shook hands, and started chatting like old friends. The director of the show stepped out. "NO, NO, NO!!! You two are lifelong enemies! Now play the role, or you're fired!

Crispy: Hey, hey, hey!! This is my fanfic! Who the crap are you, Duckshirt? Get outta my story!!! He walks off, all dejected, saying that he would sue.

Saizuchi: This is boring—I'm off to steal Chou's hair products, and brush my teeth. (everyone cheers)

Crispy walks to see which sitcom Shishio and Yumi are watching. "Hey, it's… _I love Lucy._ You guys watch that?? Wasn't it made in like, 1950?"

Shishio: So?

Crispy: This is like, 1862.

Yumi: Shh.

Crispy: Uh…_okay…_

I decided to go see if Sou-chan will let me have any of his coffee… Meanwhile, all the KFC members except me are gone, but then Don#1 (Chou-Don) suddenly jumps up. (He had fallen asleep, and doesn't know how to get back.) I do an evil laugh. **OK, PEOPLE, THIS IS YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT HIM FOR DISREGARDING MY WARNING AND STILL NOT JOINING.** Mwahaha. Suddenly, he blows up. Hahaha. -.-;;

Anyway, since this is getting pointless, let's revert back (HAHA, redundancy! I love those… n.n) to when Sojiro is taking advantage of Shishio's absence, and is once again raiding the instant cappuccino vault. He opened the door, and saw the holy glow… (This one hopes no-one is offended by my use of the word, 'holy,' there.) …Of coffee. Sojiro smiled happily, and I (Crispy) walked up, bored out of my skull. "Hiiiiii, Sojiro…" I said with a bored flavor. "Whaaaaatcha doooin'?" Sojiro smiled as he answered. "I'm just raiding Mr. Shishio's instant cappuccino vault!" Now, his eyes took a demented shine. He leaped down into the "coffee chamber," (That sounds SO weird…-.-) and I heard the many happy, caffeinated sounds of a Tenken chugging down as much coffee as he could fit at once into his mouth. This very cute (and very humorous) instant was broken, however… For, as soon as Sojiro had opened the door to the cappuccino vault, what should run out, unbeknownst to the Tenken…

"A MOUSE!!!" Screeched Aoshi girlishly. (LOL I can actually picture that… o.0) He leaped up, and clutched a hanging chandelier, which promptly fell… right onto Saito. (I just LOVE torturing Saito, he's such a JERK! Heeeheeeheee… evil grin. n.n) Saito groaned, and shoved the chandelier off of him. He walked up to the mouse. "Goooood little moussie…" He cooed. "Does the widdle moussie want a tweat? Yes, he does! DO you want a tweat? Yes, you do! Yes you do! Ooh, you're so CUTE, you know that?" Aoshi ran off to vomit in the nearest possible area. (In this case, Saizuchi's wig closet.) Saito stroked the mouse's back. BUT, this is no ordinary mouse… it is a mouse bearing the deadly… GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME!!! And it had just bitten Saito. "GAAH!" Screamed Saito. The mouse did an awfully high-pitched, squeaky evil laugh, and ran off to cause more havoc. Meanwhile, Aoshi climbed down from the other chandelier that he had leaped to, just as the first one fell. (Or, perhaps, it would be better to say, leaped out of the way as the second chandelier, much like the first, fell and conked Saito in the head.) Aoshi gave another loud, high-pitched scream as the mouse brushed against him as it ran away. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! You repulsive creature! Prepare for the full wrath of my Double Kodachi!" Aoshi ran after the mouth, a psychotic laugh erupting from his throat, leaving Saito pinned down below the second chandelier. Which was probably for the better, too, as Saito now had a terrible case of GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME, and was beginning to foam at the mouth.

Meanwhile, Crispy was walking around a different part of the shrine, looking for something to kill her boredom. She saw Houji singing Karaoke, and was about to run screaming in the opposite direction. He was not only doing what could have passed for a Britney Spears imitation… he was TOTALLY IMERSED IN A VIDEO THAT SHOWED ALL OF BRITNEY'S DANCE STEPS, MOTION BY MOTION!! HORROR OF HORRORS!! It got worse! He was watching her "Pop and Lock" Routine video, and singing along to the music! Crispy did not run away immediately. She ran away after lobbing several granola bars at Houji, and a large brick at the television screen. (Was T.V. even available back then?? I know Shishio's Soap Opera wasn't… o.0)

Meanwhile, because I have a large bokken aimed toward my forehead, and for purposes of self-preservation, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO KENSHIN!.............Next time. Why then? Because I'm too lazy to type it now, that's why. Yet another chapter cut short because of Crispy's laziness… Sorry, Minna-dono! This one will try to make up for it… next time….

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Crispy: Now I feel all bad... I post this chapter late, and I leave everybody hanging...

Shishio: ...Not to mention that you should be doing homework right now. Plus, you have 3 seperate final exams in 2 days, and haven't studied for ANY of them yet, and, OH! Don't you have that Geologic History Powerpoint due tomorrow? And don't you have-

Crispy: Don't remind me...

Sojiro: Look!! I have waffles!! n.n

Crispy: OOOOH!! WAFFLES! THANK-YOU-SO-MUCH-SOU-CHAN!!!! (glomps Sojiro)

Sojiro: OOOORROOOO!!! (swirly eyes).....Can't...Breathe....help?

Crispy: Oh, my gosh!This one isso sorry! So sorry!!

Shishio: WHY THE (SPLEEEEEEP) IS EVERYONE TALKING LIKE THE BATTOUSAI, DE GOZARU KA?!?!?

Crispy: ...

Shishio: SHI-.......ppo.

Crispy: OOH, I LOVE Shippo-chan! So kawaii...

Houji: Like, OH, MY GAWWD!! Don't you like, think EVERYBODY is, like, kawaii??

Crispy: ...except you. You're gay. And scary. And you smell like pea soup.

Houji: But, all of my new clothesare totally GRoooooVY! Wouldn't you agree!?

Shishio: That's MY LINE! **I'm** the one that says, 'Wouldn't you agree?' all the time!! GRRRRRRR....(burns Houji to a crisp. Everyone cheers.)

Sojiro: ....groovy?? T.T o.0

-Crispy, the very lazy fanfiction writer. Oh, by the way, review? Please? I don't bite... Unless you're the Battousai, and your left shoulder looks pretty appetizing...n.n


	8. GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME!

AIEEE!! I'm SO sorry! I forgot to paragraph this chapter... yet more stuff you guys will hate me for!! (cowers in a corner, with Shishio logo coffee mug) OK, I'm _finally _getting to the task of typing up this chapter!! (-.-") OK, one _suuuper_ important notice… (sob) Crispy just can't keep up with all the reviews! (sob) Please forgive this Burnt Up Old Sausage for not living up to initial expectations… I'll post stuff as fast as I can, but the chances of me being able to do a new chapter for each review are…unlikely, to say the least. Feel free to now hit me with flying vegetables, a bokken, a shinai, a Homura-Dama, a Shun Ten Tatsu, a Shukuchi, a Guren-Kaina, a Kagezuchi, an Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki, a Kansatsu Tobikunai, or anything… I'm so sorry… you can kick me all the way to Kyoto, if you wanted to…

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OK, now for the promised story about what happened to Kenshin!! …Anyways… Kenshin was walking around the _Shrine-Of-The-Construction-Still-Put-On-Hold-And-Having-No-Chance-Of-Being-Finished-Anytime-Soon, _looking for a way to get back to the Kamiya Dojo. He was following the scent of badly burned bagels, a sure sign that Usui was cooking again, as usual. He rurouni'ed into the kitchen, and was very surprised to see Fuji and Saizuchi there, trying and failing to help Usui cook better. Usui picked up a large Sasquatch (lol don't ask… -.-) and put it into a bowl. Or, perhaps it would be better to say, one of Houji's really freaky looking business suit…hat things…….. whatever! After the Sasquatch, candy canes, egg timers, daffodil blossoms, and an onion quickly followed suit. Usui was left with a very messy mixture, which he joyfully deposited in the oven with the help of Saizuchi, who by this time was all covered in flour, sesame seeds, and shortbread biscuits. Fuji sniffled as he watched some of his beloved daffodils go into the oven.

He was just about to leave, when Kenshin _darted_ across the kitchen to the bagel stash. Fuji was just about to oppose him, when a very foaming-at-the-mouth Saito ran in, shouting about graham crackers. (Don't forget, he was suffering from the dreaded…. GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME, where the victim suffers an incurable obsession with graham crackers!! THE HORROR!! In severe cases, (Like Saito's, for instance) the victim also grows a bushy squirrel tail and starts rattling off random Christmas carols.) ().() Saito bolted over to the counter, and began stuffing his face with graham crackers. Kenshin, Saizuchi, and Fuji were long gone by now, driven off by the scent of Usui's culinary talents.

Just then, Sojiro snuck in to get some more instant cappuccino, and saw Saito. He fell to the ground laughing. "**HAHAHAHAhaaaa!! SAITO, SAITO, SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL!!! SAITO, SAITO! SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL!! WRINKLE UP YOUR FREAKISHLY HUGE HAWKISH NOSE, STICK IT IN BETWEEN YOUR TOES! **_(which hopefully don't smell as bad as I think they do…)_ **SAITO, SAITO, SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL!!! WA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"** Saito, who had indeed grown a bushy tail from his dreaded… GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME, and had, indeed, started "dancing" to the song, turned only briefly to see little Sojiro (n.n) rolling on the floor, laughing. The rest of the Juppongatana filed in, having heard Tenken laughter. If it made a Tenken laugh, it just _had_ to be comedic gold. It was better. It was comedic _platinum._ Hoh, boy. Shishio took one look, and was in very much the same state as Sojiro. Yumi looked and rolled her eyes. "Shishio-sama… Sojiro-chan… that is the single most childish thing—" her sarcasm was cut short by Usui's laughter, which is so psychotically scary, even Saito stopped stuffing his face, and all the way at the Kamiya dojo, there were nightmares. 0.0 (Crispy does _not_ want to hear Usui's laughter… (huddles down and rolls into a ball))

Just then, a crowd of small, innocent looking children crowded outside the doors of the shrine… (Demented Christmas song time! o.0) "_Bandage Man, Bandage Man! Bandaged all the way! Oh, what fun it is to set Kyoto up in flames, OH! Bandage Man, Bandage Man! Burnt and crispy, too! After you started your reign of flame, what could the Battousai do??_(Shishio: "Heh.") _OH, Crashing through the flames, laughing evilly, no more fun and games… chugging down coffee…"_

Saito joined in, still oblivious to his surroundings because of the GRAHAM CRACKER SYNDROME. "_DECK the halls with flaming pastries, (_Sojiro's ears perked up)_ Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. T'IS, the season to burn Kyoto. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Don, we now, our gay apparel _(In other words, Kamatari costumes) _Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. BURNING up someone named Carol. _(I kinda needed a rhyme pretty badly… -.-)_ Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."_ Some of the… stranger Juppongatana members (Like Houji, for instance…) applauded, and gave the small children little samples of Usui's cooking. "…Uh,_ thanks…"_ said one little boy with a blank look on their face, regarding the burnt food skeptically.

Most of the Juppongatana began to disperse… Usui stayed in the kitchen, preparing his next culinary delights… Chou to the laundry, Sojiro snuck off to Shishio's instant cappuccino vault, Shishio went to get caffeinated, and Yumi followed Shishio like some kind of slutty-clothed lap dog… Anyways, Kenshin was on his way back to the Kamiya dojo, bloated with sheer amount of Usui's lumpy, misshapen bagels. (Living with Kaoru-dono, he was no stranger to terrible cooking.) He noticed a blue streak run past him, with a bushy tail, and much foam issuing from his mouth. _Tokio is—_**BAGEL! BAGEL!!**_—In for a surprise…_ Thought the Bagel-obsessed Rurouni with an evil grin…

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Crispy: Well, so that's (more or less -.-) what happened to Kenshin…? I _know _I'm losing my touch…(sob) That is, assuming I've ever had one… (sniffle)

Shishio: Are you… crying??

Crispy: (Tenken smile) N-no.

Sojiro: (Angry Kaoru eyes) …Heeey!!

Crispy: I'm sorry, everybody… I have so little imagination, I'm even starting to quote other people…

Sojiro: It's OK… at least there's still coffee!! Coffee makes life worth living!! n.n

Shishio: Hey, by the way, Sojiro… where have you been _getting_ all this coffee…? I thought that _I _was the only one with a cappuccino stash…

Sojiro: Uhhh… Internet? Black Market? Houji's closet?

Shishio: _Houji's closet?!_ What the hell?!? So **_THAT'S_** where all my coffee has gone missing!! **_HOUJI!!!!!!!!!!!!_** (Runs off with that creepy glowing-purple-eyed glare)

Sojiro: (EVIL Tenken smile) hehehehehehe….

-Crispy, master of all that is coffeelike and caffeinated. n.n


	9. Usui's Demented Party

…The (very) long awaited… CHAPTER NINE!!! WOOT!!! My first flaming! WOO! Bring it on! I'm a pyromaniac, y'know… (glances at charred cinders of last year's school papers) hehe…he…Sorry about the late posting… again… Crispy was taking a ski trip… By the way, it turns out that my family is gonna be moving to Albuquerque, New Mexico this summer… that means that all of those awesome, scary, and demented friends that confused you in chapter 5, Crispy will no longer be able to hang out with. (Now, this one lives in Oregon.) Crispy is going through depression… (glomps Juppongatana plushie collection for good luck, wallows in self pity… My friends here are the ones who first showed me anime, to begin with… OK, Crispy, pull yourself together! Or no pocky! (I start getting scared of my own pocky-less threatening toward myself…-.-"))

OK, here we go! Oh, but first, I gotta tell you guys something totally random! I had this really wigged out dream a few days ago as my parents were driving to the airport. It was the fight between Shishio-sama and Himura-san, and Shishio said something like, "You are stronger than me, Battousai, but I will still rule this country." And then he did that smug Shishio laugh that we all know so well, when _a few licks of flames came from his mouth as he laughed!_ That's right, Shishio-san breathing fire! 0.o Then, the camera (I was watching this as if it had been an actual Ruroken episode) moved closer to the fire, and an image of Shishio appeared in the flames, and Battousai Kenshin stood facing him with the Battoujutsu stance, and that was the "end" of the "episode," and the next one was to be the battle between them… AAIIEE! I'm rambling again!! GOMEN, GOMEN!!! Forgive this poor authoress… Ah well, might at least state some well known information! (A.K.A. a nicer way of saying, 'state the obvious…')

1.) I do not own Ruroken! (Never would have guessed!)

2.) Shishio is burnt! (Fascinating!)

3.) Houji is strange! (Incredible!)

4.) Sojiro is cute and squishable! (Duh!)

5.) Pocky is **_good!!_** (Just ask Shishio!)

6.) Usui is blind! (I really don't see how _this_ one works… n.n")

7.) Evil will always prevail!! (Another Duh! n.n)

Sorry to have bored you out of your mind… As I have lacked a decent one my whole life, all I can do is bore you with pathetic fanfiction attempts…

Speaking of which……… Prologue: (Yes, there is a prologue this time, just cause I don't want to type more than I have to. Feel free to flame me for my laziness.) It's Usui's birthday, and all the Juppongatana give him gifts, and other assorted junk. From the totally obscure (Shishio's gift comes to mind…) to the pleasantly thoughtful (but demented) (From Sojiro,) this is one chapter that has a really crappy summary, but there are plenty of Usui jokes along the way! And now, almost onto my second page of typing already, **_THE STORY WILL ACTUALLY START!!!_** Yaaaaaay… OH, by the way, this is only a hypothetical "part one" of this annoying little escapade. The next chapter I post will be a continuation of this. If you hate it, flame me. If you like it, don't. Both are very much appreciated, as are all reviews.

…

"**_HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLIND PERSON WHO WE CURRENTLY CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAAAAME O-O-O-OF…"_**

"It's Usui," Anji whispered quickly.

"Um, right!" Said Shishio. "UUUUUSUIIIII…… Happy Birthday to you!!"  
"And many more, on channel 4, and –" Sojiro stopped the add-on verses immediately, and looked around nervously. "Hehehe… … … Usui-san! When do we get the cake???" (Sojiro gazes up at Usui with big, cute, chibi eyes.)

Usui: Oh, just _wait_ 'till you see it, Sou-kun! It's _beautiful!_ (Shishio mumbles: "…and you would know, right??") I cooked the whole thing myself! (All the Juppongatana edge away visibly. That is, of course, to Usui, invisibly.) Usui continued ranting. "Simply _marvelous!_ I added spiced apples, and pumpkin, and cinnamon, and brown sugar, and, OH! The most _delicious_ strawberry frosting, with—" (All of the Juppongatana (besides Yumi) were hanging on his every word, just imagining how good it would have tasted had it not been made by Usui. And little Sou-chan, his eyes were no longer chibi… they were as big and shiny as polished blue stained glass, chibi beyond even chibi anime capacity. All together now:…AWWWWWWWW…..)

Yumi: OH, SHUT UP, USUI!! You'd better not have touched those yams I put aside for this New Years'…

Usui: I didn't touch any yams, Yumi-san! But, if I recall, (This with a malicious smile) I remember Broomhead going in there yesterday while I was cooking, and—

Yumi: CHOOOOOOUUUUU!! (runs off Kamatari style, bent on decapitation.)  
Kamatari: …HEY!!

Usui: PRESENT TIME! Give me stuff!! NOW!!!!!!  
Shishio: (mumbling: so polite…)

Usui: I HEARD THAT!!

Mako-chan, (YES, I just HAD to put him back in the story! n.n) being the youngest, went first. He handed Usui a small package, with eyes even more chibi than Sojiro's. (Actually, it would have made an interesting discussion…)

Usui tore the rubber ducky wrapping paper (don't ask…) and revealed a small box, that held:…

Usui: …..sunglasses? (Note after having finished chapter: how would he know…?)

Mako-chan: You hurt your eyes, right?! This should help you get better, then we can all get along, and be happy!! n.n (Shishio sure was different as a kid, huh… n.n)

Shishio: … (Face turning red)

Yumi: Awwww… Shishio-sama, you were so _cute_ as a little kid!! (glomps Shishio)

(Sojiro is tired of having someone else besides him considered cute and squishable.)

Sojiro: (EVIL Tenken smile)

(Meanwhile, before anything else can happen, Usui continues being the patient, considerate, kind gentleman that he has always been.)  
Usui: **_PRESENTS! GIVE ME PRESENTS!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!_**

(At this, Shishio responds in a typically mature fashion, flaunting his eloquence.)

Shishio: **ME NEXT! ME NEXT!**

Usui: …uh, ok………..

Shishio: **YAAAY!**  
Yumi: (mumbling: maybe decaf wasn't such a bad idea after all…)

Usui opens Shishio's gift…

Usui: What the hell?! A jar of Tobasco sauce!?!

Shishio: (With Happy Sojiro eyes™) Well, who doesn't like Tobasco?! It really helps to raise your body temperature…

Sojiro: So _that's_ why Shishio-san likes Italian more than Mexican.

Shishio: AND SUSHI! **HAIL SUSHI-SAMA!!!**

Sojiro: **_Pastries!! May the Goddess of Sugariness and Pastries watch over us for eternity!!_**

Kamatari: Bananas!  
Yumi: Peanut Brittle! (Don't ask… When I said this was random, I meant it. (swirly eyes))

Saizuchi: FEH! I remember back in the _olden days,_ we always used to—

All: **_NO!!_**

Saizuchi: Feh. Shows your bad taste.

(Randomly Appearing Inuyasha appears.)

Randomly Appearing Inuyasha: stop stealing my catchphrase.

(Randomly Appearing Inuyasha disappears, and becomes Randomly Disappearing Inuyasha.)

Sojiro: Um, Mr. Shishio? Miss Yumi? Can it be my turn now?

(Yumi and Shishio were taking advantage of Inuyasha's impeccable timing, and were making out behind one of the arches in the _Shrine-of-the-who-gives-a-damn-anymore,-it's-never-gonna-be-done._)

Shishio: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead, Sojiro. (turns back toward Yumi-san to cuddle some more.)

Sojiro: (mumbling) Now I am scarred for life… Oh well! Usui-san, here's your present!! (ecstatic grin)

Usui: OH, IT'S A….a blindfold??

Sojiro: (smiles even wider) No, that's just to blindfold you so I can lead you to your _real_ present! n.n

Usui: …

(Sojiro ties the new blindfold on top of Usui's "Eye of Heart" eyepatch. The one that Sojiro had given him, however, did not say, "Heart's Eye." It said, in formal Kanji, "Breakfast Cereal." Some of the Juppongatana members noticed this, and snickered.) "There! Done!" Beamed Soji-chan. "Follow me, Usui-san!!!" All except Shishio and Yumi, who were still otherwise occupied, followed Sojiro outside to a well.

Kamatari: (sarcasm) You got him a bucket of water??

Sojiro: No…… MUCH better… TADA!!!  
Sojiro whipped off the "Breakfast Cereal" eyepatch with a flourish.

"LOOK!" he exclaimed, with a tone that held such enthusiasm that some of the Juppongatana edged back visibly. (Though, once again to Usui, invisibly.) Of course, though, being the keen, observant chap that he was, Usui did not even notice the tall, white creature walking toward him.

Sojiro: A SEEING EYE DOG!!!

Sesshoumaru: What!?

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Crispy: Oh, I forgot to tell everyone... ; . ; .... Happy belated Christmas, and Merry New Year! From Crispy, Norbert, Ned, Mako-chan, and all of those other random characters I invented!

Shishio: Mako-chan is a mockery of myself. I demand he be destroyed.

(Crispy shelters Mako-chan in Yumi-esque style, except without the emotionalness. (New word! wOOt! Could you let Shishio kill off a super cute, huge-and-shiny-eyed six year old child? I think not.)

Crispy: You can't kill Mako-chan! He's just a kid!! ......Besides, if you kill him off, you'll die, too.

Shishio: Crap.

Mako-chan: I'm hungry. I'm gonna go steal some more cookies, and then try to find this.... "Kappy...Chinnow Vault" place you're always obsessing about.

Sojiro: OOH! Me too! n.n

Crispy: I could use a coffee break!  
Shishio: A break from what?? You've been slacking off all day!  
Crispy: Being a slacker is hard work!

Shishio: Sure. Way harder than conquering the world, right?

Crispy: I'm gonna beat you to world domination. I have 13 (My lucky number! n.n) legions of winged monkeysand cows at my disposal!!

Shishio: 

Crispy: COWS ROCK!!  
All: 0.o

Crispy: Without cows, no milk! Without milk, coffee tastes NASTY!!

All: Ahh. Agreed.

-Crispy, future world dominator, ruling with a huge TV... for watching Innocence and Experience... or Fire Requiem... or Faces of Evil... At least I HOPE for a huge TV............maybe...


	10. Chapter TEN! As in TENKEN! WOOT!

Okay, now that I have waited forever and confused you all… -.-" YES, I am FINALLY beginning to type this up! I, uh… don't have much to say… which is weird… ah well…

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Yumi flinched visibly. "You brought a she-male in parachute pants to visit…?

Sesshoumaru (AKA Fluffy-sama): I'm just making a random guest appearance here to kill time, annoy the Hell out of most of you, show that I'm so much more awesome than most of you others, make bad puns, and generally act like one of those annoying co-star people that is always gone by the next chapter. And check out my EVIL GLARE! (Evilly and darkly glares at everybody)  
Chou: GAAAAAA! EYESHADOW!

Fluffy-sama: …

Usui: EyE ShAdOw…! HoW dArE yOu TaUnT mE sO!

Sojiro: Whoa… what's with the weird font…?  
Fluffy-sama: Never mind that! It's just another of Crispy's attempts to be random!

Jaken: Ahoy, there, ye bilge rats! I'm Jaken, and I look like a cross a'tween Beshimi an' Saizuchi! I've-a got the temp'rement of Houji, an' I love talkin' like a pirate!

Yumi: sigh… Crispy-san… How far is too far…?

Shishio: Sorry, I was… uh… predisposed. (pauses to wipe pie frosting off side of head)

Yumi: Shishio-sama… not even gonna _go_ there…

Shishio: What the Hell is THAT supposed to mean…!

Chou: SOMEbody doesn't like being hit in the face with baked goods.

Sojiro: Baked goods! WHERE?

Crispy: Oro… -.-"

Kamatari: He's a she-male… but he's good-looking, though… but not as good looking as you, Shishio-chan!

Yumi: Ugggh. (mumbling) Kamatari, _you_ would have something against she-males…

Fluffy-sama: I have no need for allies. Especially cross-dressers, burnt up crispadoras, slutmonkeys, smiling people, (I am thoroughly convinced that smiling destroys your soul… just like cameras and trains… 0.0) Broomheads, hysterical dwarfs, (Quoting Sora-san (Sora Miyara) on that… gomen ne.) People taller than me, (grrr…) Batman impersonators, Hippie monks, blind chefs, or guys named Houji. Everyone else… step forward.

Iwanbo giggled stupidly and bounced up beside Fluffy-sama. The word "Bounced" is meant literally… -­­.-" The rest of the Juppongatana pretended to be disappointed, while inside they were cheering—the 800-pound bowling ball with an IQ of 4 was finally gonna be gone!

Shishio's Mind: Hehehe… Now I don't need CPR…

Kamatari's Mind: YES! No more people hogging the Ovaltine in the morning! Yayness.

Yumi's Mind: Finally, I don't have to be crushed against the wall every time I pass him in the hallway…

Sojiro's Mind: Mmmmmmmmm…… Pastries…..

Usui's…uhmn…whatever he has LEFT of a mind: Now I never have to see his ugly mug ever again…! Muahahahahahahaha…

Chou's Mind: At last, he's out of my Hair of Insane Broom…

Other Juppongatana whom Crispy is too lazy to describe: Iwanbo is a loser. Almost as big of a loser as Houji. (NOTE: Even HOUJI said that… 0.o Stupid Bagel-man…)

(Suddenly, Rin-chan appears. There is major 'AWWWWWW'-ing from most of the Juppongatana, with the obvious exceptions of Usui (no duh!) and Houji. (Giving himself a pedicure…o.0))

Yumi: Awww, she looks so sweet and innocent…

Okita Soshi: (randomly appears) Gotta love the ponytail! n.n

Sojiro: HEY! It's the guy that looks suspiciously like me! Okita Soji of the Shinsengumi! (A/N: Crispy is a huge Shinsengumi fan… and Soshi/Soji is my favorite… n.n prob'ly 'cause he looks almost exactly like Sojiro... figures, Sojiro is so cute and squishable! )

Usui: Heeeeeey, Soshi-kun! Long time, no see! Ohohohohoho!  
Crispy: Oyveh… -.-" But still, Soji-kun, did you invite the other Shinsengumi? Or is it just you...?  
Sojiro/Soji: Huh…? (Oro?)

Soji: Well, Saito-kun is here, but he only came because Tokio-san made him…

Saito: Well, let's see which authoress is mocking me today… GASP! CRISPY! **Kami preserve us!**(rolls into a fetal position and rocks back and forth sobbing and gasping uncontrollably)

Sojiro: Well, uhhh… **_OK…_**

Crispy: HEY! It's Kenshin! At… **_Usui's Birthday Party…?_**

Kenshin: Oh, crap, it's CRISPY, de gozaru de! (starts running for his life)

(sappy movie music plays loudly)

Crispy: Am I really that bad…? (sob)

Shishio: It's okay, Crispy… I believe in you…

Crispy: …Really?

Shishio: **NO.** After the whole tapioca incident…! _Not on my designer bandages!_

Soshi: Designer… _bandages…?_

Shishio: Yep! And they're maple-scented! Ah… the scent of pancakes… back before Usui joined, and _I_ was head chef… Ah, the smell of things nearly so burnt as my own skin… the sweet, sweet memories…

Yumi: I seem to remember eating blackened pancakes and burnt Rib-B-Que on a daily basis.

Sojiro: (smug laugh) And _you_ never got coffee… **_FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_**

Kamatari: Wow, my first line in a LONG time! I'm actually pretty impressed that he can cackle maniacally without losing the smile…

Soshi: It's a bishy secret!

Houji: Like Victoria's Secret…?

Soshi: Um… **_NO._**

Houji: I wanna be a bishy!

Crispy: Urgh. You've got one hope. Reincarnation.

Fluffy-sama: I can fix that. (kills Houji)

Juppongatana: **_YAAAAAAAAYYYY!_**

(Fluffy brings Houji back to life with the Tenseiga)

Juppongatana: **_NOOOOOOOOOO!_**

Crispy: I can't believe you let us get our hopes up like that… Hey, Soji-kun!  
Sojiro/Soshi: Oro?

Crispy: No, not you, Soji-kun… So—Oro, I'm confused…

Sojiro/Soshi: So am I… er, so are we…

Soji: Well, the least you could do is stop copying me!  
Soji: I'm not! Just shut up, you… you… GIRLY MAN!

Kamatari/Houji: Oro?

Soji: Who are you calling girly…! You have a FRIGGIN **_PONYTAIL!_**

Soji: At least I have a male voice actor!

Soji: You have a voice actor…? Are you some dude in a Halloween costume, or something…! O.O

Soji: Smiley!

Soji: Weirdo!  
Soji: Blue!

Soji: Uh… same to you…!

Soji: Loser!  
Soji: Geek!

Soji: Freak!

Soji: Psycho!  
Soji: Tranny!

Soji: Homo!

Soji: Geezer!

Soji: Dog-breath!

Soji: Crapface!

Soji: umm… Football player!  
Soji: GASP! **YOU TAKE THAT BACK.**  
Crispy: O.O Does that make ANY sense…!

Shishio: Auggh, my brain hurts… who's who, again…?

Yumi: I dunno… they're both Soji, that's what I know…

Kamatari: What would YOU know, anyways…!

Soji: I'm the real Sojiro, I'm way more awesome than that Fat-head…

Soji: YOU FAG! I'm the REAL Sojiro!

Soji: You are not!  
Soji: Are.

Soji: Aren't.

Soji: Are.

Soji: Aren't.

Soji: Are.

Soji: Aren't.

Crispy: Oro… how will we ever know… besides by the obvious hair and outfit differences… (heavy sigh) I thought it might come to this… the BAKED GOODS TASTE TEST.

Soji: What?

Crispy: The BAKED GOODS TASTE TEST.

Soji: What?

Crispy: (evil glare) I'll go get the pastries… whoever can't resist as long as the other… mufufufufufu…

Soji: meep.

Soji: (cough cough choke etc.)

Usui: Him! That has to be Okita-kun! He tuberculizes everything in the immediate vicinity! (everyone backs away visibly, (except obviously for Usui))

Soji: Well, that's settled! OOOOOOOOOOH, Pastries! (runs and grabs pastries from Crispy)

Crispy: NO! SOJI-CHAN! THOSE WERE FOR THE PASTRY TEST! NOOOOOO! Now I'll never know…!

Fluffy-sama: As the real Sojiro's present, the seeing eye dog… demon… fluffy… dude… I believe it is my duty to—

Shishio: STOP! I don't think we should tell her.

Crispy: **_NOOOOO! I MUST KNOOOOoooooooOOOOOWWWWWW!_**

Shishio: Whoa. Emotional.

Soji: Not like me! **FWAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Crispy: If I don't know… I'll have to become a stalker… Somehow, I'll find out… from deep within the deepest recesses of your mind… **THE TRUTH WILL BE REVEALED! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!**

Soshi: Is she… always this insane…? (Hey, she put my name as Soshi again! wOOt!)

Sojiro: Crispy is only this insane on the outside… on the inside, she has got to be the single most… ruthlessly psychotic fangirl I have ever encountered…! She's quite insane.

Soshi: Ah. Well, see ya later, Soji-kun—I gotta go to Kyoto… Some kinda Ikeda-ya memorial service, or something like that… (pauses to kick Saito's frozen carcass until he regains life)  
Saito: OW! GEEZ! A guy can't hide from insanity in peace, these days!

Usui: Most people around here are insane… take Houji, here, for instance…

Houji: USUI! I will not tolerate you insulting me behind my back!

Usui: Well, turn around, then! Now, anyways, Saito, my good chap—

(Saito runs off screaming that everybody is going insane…)

Shishio: Mightn't that register as insanity in itself?

Sojiro: **MIGHTN'T?**

Shishio: …

Crispy: First Usui… but now _Shishio_ is going all Victorian on me…!

Shishio: The Victorian Era…? Oro…?  
Yumi: Shishio-sama… you said 'Oro' again…

Shishio: **_WHAT…!_** **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**(Runs out of the room. Sounds of head-banging against a wall are heard distinctly)

(Mass sweatdrop)

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Hey, guess what…? I saw 'Samurai X' a while ago, and, to quote my friend Beth's description of it: "Wasn't it so intensely cool and stuff…?" 'Samurai X' is awesome, see it if you haven't already! It's my new goal to buy the boxed set… drooooool… Huh, that's odd… I drooled at something that _wasn't _a picture of Sojiro… 0.o I also now own all the English graphic novels up through volume 12, except volume 1… So I have 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12. A lot of fun stuffs, to be sure! n.n Well, gotta go. See ya guys whenever…

Crispy


	11. Space Time Continuum

LYK OMG!11!ONE! I just got my Shinsengumi poster in the mail, and some of their heads are practically LIFE-SIZE! GO WATSUKI POSTERS AND THAT ONE WEBSITE! Augh, Crispy went into "Freak out like a preppy girl" mode again… -.-"" Let's hope Houji isn't anywhere nearby… (glances to either side cautiously…) OK, GOOD! n.n …In this chapter, Crispy will try to stop the "script-style" dialogue thing as much as possible… to (fail to) combat laziness… and to pretend to be doing homework… Oh, by the way! Did you hear? Psycho-san (Psycho Sword Lady) is making an animation of this fanfic! 0.0 Isn't that so cool? (starts hyperventilating) **THANK YOU SO MUCH PSYCHO-SAMA!** It's going to be on The-Oro (dot) com! (Fanfic won't let me post actual website format... --U) Coolness, ne? n.n It feels so weird, though… what I've written will be… animated… what I'm writing NOW will probably be animated… (The story, that is, not Crispy's random prattling…--U) I'll try to make it easy to animate…! (And fail, but… Crispy hopes you will forgive her for that…)

Disclaimer: I don't own Ditech, the Juppongatana, Rurouni Kenshin, Bob Bobson, Yugioh, Hikaru no Go, Bob Barker, Batman, or Seta Sojiro. Currently trying to fix that last one… failing… (sob)

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The week following Usui's party, things had mostly gone back to normal… however, the word "normal" can very rarely be applied to the typical and everyday lives of everyone's favorite off-key assassins, more commonly known as the Juppongatana. Therefore, our "story" continues in whatever way "normal" could be used to describe anything in this sad, plotless fanfic that you have miraculously endured henceforth…

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Sojiro glanced around nervously. Left, right. Good. Usui was nowhere in "sight." The Tenken turned back to the pile of Usui's belongings he was rooting through, desperate to find the Starbucks coupons he had mysteriously misplaced. His hand fell across something he wasn't expecting, though—"My Diary… by Ounoma Usui."

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Chou shivered. It wasn't Kamatari's empty death threats this time, or anything else. It was the fact that he'd been sacked. Yes, after months of driving the other members out of their occasionally either bald, bandana'ed, hotel-lobby-plant'ed, and spiky-haired heads, they'd finally had enough. So, Chou was out on the streets of Kyoto, without a job. He yawned, leaning against a wall, contemplating the whereabouts of his next meal. And himself, come to think of it. The last time he'd been in the Kyoto streets, he had his ass kicked by a pony-tailed girly-man. Then again, back at the Shrine of the 6.657834685743845673482222 arches, he'd had his ass kicked by a stick-swinging gay. Not exactly enviable. Then again, it's Chou, right? (Narrator Crispy: stupid bastard…) Chou grumbled at the slightly-more-than-silent comment by Narrator Crispy, and sloshed on through the puddles in the street. Suddenly, he spotted something that made his eyes light up—an inn! And an inn… meant sake. And they were also fairly easy to skip out of, if a certain Tori-Atama can be used as a precedent... Chou looked at the sign: "'Aoi-ya'…" he muttered as he walked on in. "What a _weird name _for an _inn…_"

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Usui was off gallivanting around the shrine, occasionally running into a mindless lackey or two. (Narrator Crispy: mindless lackeys are COOL! n.n) Besides the almost incessant grumbling from the aforementioned, the only sound to break the silence was the cheery whistling of the Shingan Chef as he sauntered off to the kitchen. With Iwanbo gone and Chou fired, the Shrine of the 6.really-huge-decimal-thingy-whatever wasn't as bad as it typically was… But then again, as long as the Blindsword had a spatula, potatoes, and a microwave, life was good. "Hmmm…" He pondered while slicing up radishes for his Blindbread™, a "trademarked" Usui invention. Right up there with Shingan Salad™, Mustache Muffins™, and Heart's Eye-ce cream™. And Shish(io) Kebab. "I wonder if I should continue to call myself the 'Blindsword,'" He mused… "After all, I fight with a _spear,_ don't I? But then again… I find myself fighting less and less lately… Am I gaining weight…?" He gasped, almost dropping his spatula in horror. "Or maybe I should change my name to something like Usui, the Blindbaker! …Or Usui, the Blindchef! …OH! I got it! Usui, the Blindspatula! And I can become a professional frycook! Like Spongebob! And I can live in a pineapple, and become square, and turn into a sponge, and have squirrel friends, and catch jellyfish, and name my pet snail Gary…" He now lay twitching on the kitchen floor, pondering the possible outcomes while rubbing his hands together and cackling like a madman. (Shishio: HEY! That's **SO **my description! _Crispy!_ (eyes glow purple in anger) Crispy: 0.0 Oro… should I start running for my life now…?) The newly-dubbed Blindspatula had a sudden realization—he'd never be able to fry food without grease, oil, or other fast-food-esqueness! (Ehe, another new word… -.-') And that… required a trip to everyone's "favorite" greasy fast-food heart-attack-on-a-bun, McDonalds! Thus, Usui departs on a sacred journey…

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_Diiiiing-dooooooong…_ Shishio rose to answer the doorbell, pausing only momentarily to wonder since when the door to the shrine had a doorbell, in the first place. "HEY!" He yelled, oddly reminiscent of Navi from Zelda: Ocarina of Time. (A/N: Auugh, another random obscure reference… forgive Sessha, kudasai!) "Whoever you are, tax collectors, girl-scouts, door-to-door air filter salesmen, whatever! READ THE SIGN!" (Points with one of his particularly burnt hands) (Quoting Pu-chan again… WHEN WILL IT END…?) The two distraught salespeople who just so happened to be standing outside the door exchanged shifty glances, and read the sign: "Shrine of the Soon-To-Be-Seven Arches—Trespassers, solicitors, businessmen, politicians, Kenshin-lookalikes, Tori-Atamas, Zoloft-lacking ex-Shinsengumi policemen, Zoloft-lacking ex-ninja dudes in trenchcoats, and guys named Houji will be terminated in the least humane way that the supreme proprietor of this fine, if not thoroughly complete, establishment, the strong, kind, brilliant, merciful, pleasant, awesome, good-looking, perfect, modest, god of a man, Shishio Makoto, sees fit. No mindless lackeys were executed in the making of this sign." The two salesmen faltered—both of them fit into at least one category. This might not be good, as Sagara Sanosuke, Ditech salesperson extraordinaire, was quick to mention. The other befuddled, unsure insurance dude, Tsukioka Tsunan, alias Katsu, quickly reached into his Ditech briefcase and pulled out two wigs and a pair of fake mustaches just as the door swung open. "You're still here…" Came Shishio's ominous voice from behind the crack in the door. "Enter… if you _dare…_" Sano and Katsu swallowed nervously. Was this such a good idea after all? "Anything for car insurance, Sano! _Anything for car insurance!"_ Sano fidgeted and hesitated for a moment longer, but because Crispy wants to get back to writing about Soji-kun, both Sano and Katsu walk right in, completely "oblivious" to the danger signal that kept flashing in their Crispy-controlled heads. (Sano: (steps forward with difficulty) _Curse you… Crispy…_)

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Sojiro regarded the messy paper skeptically. He squinted and might have been able to make out a word or two, but… let's just say that the newly-dubbed Blindspatula's penmanship was far from enviable. "To my future self: The audio recording of my diary can be found, with much toil and difficulty on my part, in my eyepatch drawer. Signed, your past self." Sojiro paused only a moment to wonder why a blind guy would write himself a memo about how to find something, but decided the many mysteries of the Shingan chef were far too many to ponder. Searching only momentarily for Usui's eyepatch drawer, (the rest smelled strongly of rotting food, most probably brought there by Blindspatula-san from his kitchen of doom, and forgotten…) He opened it to find every single eyepatch Usui had ever worn… the 'Breakfast Cereal' one, the 'Commemoration of Shaving Off Your Uni-Stache' one, (A uni-stache is like a mustache that is 1, as opposed to 2, sections. Comparable to a unibrow and an eyebrow, I guess…) the 'I was Blinded by Shishio and Lived' one, (This one was complimentary) the '11th Place at the Ironclad Chef Cook-off' one, (Staged at the scenic Rengoku wreckage) the 'Hide & Seek Champion' one, the 'B.S. Championship 1st Place' memorial eyepatch, (A shared award between Aoshi, Sojiro, and Usui… y'know, Usui could tell if they were cheating, Aoshi has no facial expression WHATSOEVER, Soji-kun's always smiling…? …Yeah. Weird. And stuff.) and even several assorted collections of Monty Python movie books and volumes 1, 2, and 4 of Hikaru no Go. Sojiro paused to wonder whether or not Usui's blindness would impede his Go playing talents before shaking his head and moving on, picking up the only thing even remotely of interest—a bright acid green cassette player with a similarly colored tape messily labeled with one of those silvery-white sharpie thingies. Sojiro pressed the buttons on the "diary" until he finally found a way to rewind it. Poor Soji-kun's jaw dropped as the recording played… the theme song from Gilligan's Island! DUN DUN **DUUUUUN…** after painfully enduring the song, Sojiro gasped as an oddly familiar voice began to speak…

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The aptly-named Broomhead ambled into the inn, looking carefully for any sign of life, or, more importantly, sake. "Hello-o-o…" He called out in his ridiculous and ever-mysterious southern accent. "Anybody here…? Any free sake for uh… a raggedy old hobo?" (attempts to pull randomly appearing torn up ski cap over broomlike head) Hearing the curious dialect of everyone's favorite broomhead/complete baka, the head of one particularly weasel-like shinobi poked around the corner… fortunately for the broom-baka, however, Misao-kun's memory was nearly as bad as her temper. _Un_fortunately, however, Misao hated hobos. And, more importantly, those raggedy ski caps. _Oooooohhh, _those ski caps.

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Bob Bobson sat at his counter/desk/whatever at McDonalds, pondering #1, why he was even in this fic, and #2, pondering why his name was Bob Bobson. Another of life's mysteries. And, almost as if on cue, (Which he was, 'cause this is a fanfic…) one of life's greatest mysteries stumbled into the door. Literally. Usui shook his head before remembering to actually open it this time, and walked on in. He stumbled, bumped, and tripped his way to what he presumed to be the counter before yelling out into empty space for service. Mr. Bobson walked up to the counter and spun Usui around to face him. "Sir…? Sir…? Uh, would you like to order…?" Just then, Bob saw Usui's face, and inched away in horror… not only was he some creepy blind guy with an eyepatch and a creepy haircut, he had a freakin' mustache! (Kami knows how much Bob Bobson fears mustaches) Mr. Bobson flinched as Usui began fishing an ingredients list out of his mysteriously-appearing pocket. "Um, sir…? This is a fast food establishment…" Usui 'glared' in indignation. "_I know that, YOU BAKA! NOW, fetch me these ingredients while you still have your HEAD!_" He screamed, thrusting the messily scribbled-on paper in the face of the unfortunate employee, who took the list and backed away quickly… when he yelled, his mustache twitched… 0.o"" Usui meanwhile sat at a table waiting, having fun squishing together the ketchup packets… (Crispy: That's actually kinda fun…n.n)

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Sagara Sanosuke and Tsukioka Tsunan stumbled into the entranceway of the Shrine of the -Blah- Arches only to witness the single scariest sight they had ever seen… A disgruntled Shishio was playing Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Battousai with Yumi and Houji, (who were letting him win, of course.) Kamatari was giving himself a pedicure, and Henya was watching old reruns of Hamtaro. The scariness. Henya's voice cut through the 'serene' environment…

"Let's make a wish ­ ooh, ooh

Make it come true

Singing along with us is all you do!

Come on and do your very best, ooh, ooh

Get a hundred on your test

All of your dreams will come true

Come on and . . .

Sing this secret spell ­ it's just for you

Think of all the luck we'll bring

Hamtaro will know just what to do

This will be our song, come on and sing . . .

Snoozer, Penelope, Panda, Howdy, Oxnard Bijou & Boss let's go!

Zersnoo, Pepenelo, Sobs, Dapan, Dehow Nardox Joubi & Hamtaro!"

Kamatari mustered a smile toward the mustachio-ed 'strangers.' "Is this scary or what…?" He paused to continue painting his toenails with his new favorite color, Chartreuse/Jade/Forest/Grass/Pine/Lime. "He's been watching that same damn show for 3 weeks now… hasn't moved from that screen for an instant…"

"YA, YA, YA, YA, YA, OOH LA, LA, LA, LA! YA, YA, YA, YA, OOH LA, LA!"

Katsu looked at Kamatari with a combination of confusion, fear, skepticalness, and just plain creeped-outedness… "But wouldn't he need to eat after a while…? Or drink? Or _anything?_" Kamatari shook his head gravely. "I tried asking him a couple days ago…"  
FLASHBACK! (And temporary return to script-style writing)

Henya: Little hamsters, big adventures, HAM-HAM-HAMTARO!

Kamatari: O.o" Um… Henya? You've been here for 6 days now… don't you need food, or something…?

Henya: Food…? What is this… food?

Kamatari: (sweatdrop)…

Sojiro: (randomly runs in) OOH! I HAVE CAKE!  
Kamatari: OOH! CAKE!

END FLASHBACK… for lack of cake…

Katsu blinked…"I see…" (Crispy: IT'S AN USUI MOMENT!) Sano nudged Katsu and opened up their Ditech briefcase to pull out a bunch of official-looking documents about car insurance. "Are _you _paying too much for your car insurance? Switch to Ditech today, and save 50 on your next 10 payments!"

"Lost another loan to Ditech!" said the random Ditech ad guy as he defied the space-time continuum and stood in the room for about 5 seconds before vanishing and reappearing on your TV screen to torment you with one of those annoyingly persistent Ditech commercials. wOOt.

Shishio blinked confusedly. "Ummm, you guys realize that the only one here who has a car is him?" He pointed with one of his crispy fingertips to a randomly-appearing door, which Bob Barker magically jumped out of. "It's a NEW CAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" He exclaimed, pointing to the door excitedly… it now had engine noises and fancy flashing lights issuing from deep within… followed by one of those creepy studio audience applause signs. Yumi shook her head gravely. "I swear, if the space-time continuum is violated _one more time, _I—"

"MUFFINNNNNS!" Screamed Seto Kaiba as he ran through the room blindfolded before falling into a bowl of raspberry punch and was never seen again…

If Shishio was the Oro-ing kind of guy, he would have Oro-ed himself into oblivion by now. "Okaaaaay…(Suppressed 'Oro') This is getting too random even for a _Crispy fic…_ and _that _says a lot…"

Suddenly, a waterfall burst through the roof and Houji riding a bright orange paisley Kayak fell through on a cascade of water. "WOOOOOOHOOOOO! Ride the Kaaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaaak!"

Everyone sweatdropped as Houji smashed into the ground and died before he resurrected himself somehow, but was knocked down again by everyone else as they decided to rediscover their Irish roots by dancing a jig on the crumbling mess that was Houji's kayak. "MY ANT FARM!" Houji cried in distress before pulling one of those rectangular glass ant farm boxes out of the somehow smoldering kayak ruins. "NOOOOOO!" He screamed, running off to his room to read YM and huggle his gorilla plushie collection. Sano and Katsu slowly backed out the door. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all…_

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An adolescent Usui's high-pitched, cracking voice began to speak, much to the horror of Tenken-sama, who was now staring at the annoyingly bright green cassette player like it had some kind of noxious disease… with Usui's stuff, you could never be too careful… "Today, Mommy and Daddy got me a present!" The eerily familiar voice then let out what was probably supposed to be an excited laugh… it sounded more like a cross between screaming Redead, Saizuchi playing the harmonica, and Chou rubbing a cheese grater on his hair… very troubling, indeed… "It's a Game Boy DS! It has two screens, and I get to play Super Chubby Italian Guy 64 whenever and wherever I want! YAAAAyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!" Sojiro chucked the recorder across the room in fear… it was obviously demonic… Unfortunately, the tape got stuck when it hit the wall, and kept rolling Usui's creepy hyper cheering voice over and over and _over…_ Sojiro jammed a hand over one ear, and grabbed his katana with the other. "CREEPY SATANIC TALKING BOX MUST **_DIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_** He screamed, bashing it with his katana. About a minute later, Sojiro flopped down exhausted, and looked at the smoldering wreckage of the tape recorder with a smile… the tape recorder was weak. It had died. All was good as Sojiro walked slowly from the room. _So, that's how Usui **really**_ _went blind…_ Sojiro shivered. What an ordeal… he would need to drain half of Shishio-san's cappuccino supply to get over this… Usui's creepy shrieking voice… shudder. He poured himself some coffee in his special custom-made 8-gallon coffee mug. And refilled. And refilled. It was going to be a long night… at least there were anime reruns. Everyone loves late night anime reruns. Especially with caramel-corn, coffee, and free pie. FREE PIE! (yay! n.n)

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Chou winced as Itachi began chucking kunai at his head. Or, more specifically, his hat. "**_HOBO, HOBO, HOBO, HOBO, HOBOOOOOOO! DIE, DIE, DIE!"_** Chou was not only creeped out and practically a human pincushion, but there was something about this admitably midgetly (try saying _that _5 times fast! 0.o) shinobi that seemed _reaaaaaally _familiar… Suddenly, he remembered! "You're that admitably midgetly shinobi! The one with Battousai and that cute little kid…" Misao-san's eyes widened. "I…i…i...IT'S CHOU OF THE JUPPONGATANAAAA!" She screamed, rocking back and forth slowly. Chou gulped nervously. She was anti-hobo, anti-broomhead, anti-Juppongatana, and blind drunk. (At a McDonalds far away, Usui sneezed) This could be bad. Deciding to act on whatever existing intelligence he had, (Which obviously wasn't very effective) the broomheaded Katanagari probably did the smartest thing he had ever done in his life—leave. Actually, more of 'run-for-my-life-before-this-admitably-midgetly-shinobi-puts-the-smackdown-on-me-and-clouts-me-halfway-to-Hell-and-back' than leave, but that's not the point... _Well, that didn't work too well,_ he thought, plucking kunai from his Crisco-styled hair. _I didn't even get any Sake… AND I'm still out of a job… _He began to wander aimlessly, looking for a 'Help Wanted' sign in a window… (random sign suddenly appears) "Hey! A sign!" Chou read it and raised an eyebrow. "'Help wanted, cashier needed to stand around and look busy while in actuality accomplishing nothing. Job benefits available.' Hmm…" Thought Chou. It seemed to fit his credentials. Sweet. He walked on in, completely oblivious to what was going on inside…

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Usui heard the dingly bell thingy from the shop door ringing. He immediately jumped up. "IT'S THAT EVIL RINGING IN MY EARS! DIE, INFERNAL DINGLY BELL THINGY!" He screamed, blindly (--) whacking at his ears with clenched fists. (Most of the McDonalds customers had already run off in fear… as well as most of the workers… now, only Usui, Bob Bobson, and the broomhead that had just walked in remained… the last two already regretting their decision…) Chou looked at Usui with a creeped-out look on his face. "…Usui…?" 0.o Usui's nonexistent eyes widened. "It's YOU! THE BROOMHEAD! BROOOOMHEEEEEAAAAAAAAAD!" Bob Bobson was now officially scared beyond all reason. He darted for the window and jumped through, hurling plastic sporks behind him. Usui twitched as he was hit with a shower of flying plasticware. "HOLY SARDINES, BATMAN! WE'RE UNDER ATTAAAAAAAACK!" He screamed, trying to dive under a table but ending up whacking his head on the counter and knocking himself unconscious. Chou sweatdropped and began dragging the creepy blind guy back to the Shrine of the Who-Even-Gives-A-Damn-Anymore Arches. (After taking all the cash from the register, of course...) "Who knows, I might even be able to get my old job back…" Thought Chou hopefully. (We all know otherwise, tho'… Mufufufufu…)

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Shishio was eating cereal. Not just any kind of cereal, but his favorite—Battousai-O's! (Now with crunchy left shoulder bits! Guaranteed to remain pretty damn disgusting for long periods of time in milk! Available at Order today, or you may be next! (evil cackle)) After filling up a bowl, he sat there waiting for his coffee to brew… (Something seemed to have happened to his instant cappuccino supply, he could've sworn there was at least an 100-day supply in there this morning…) He grumbled angrily… How could so much coffee be gone after only 2 hours…? He would need to yell at Houji to buy some more… Just then, the door burst open and a mysterious figure stumbled in, twitching like crazy. Sojiro-sama had a creepy smile on his face, an empty coffee mug in one hand, and his eyes were huge, pupil-less, and shaking almost as badly as he was. "Hehehehe… cof..fee… hehehe… eheeheehehe… heheHEHEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed psychotically, sufficiently creeping out all the people in the vicinity. Kamatari raised one eyebrow. "So-kun…?" He was beginning to foam at the mouth... Houji suddenly understood: "Shishio-sama! I know what happened to all your coffee!" He shouted psychotically. "Sojiro must've gotten access to the cappuccino supply and drank it all!" Shishio almost spat out his spoonful of Battousai-O's. "AHA!" He yelled. "Houji, it was YOU! Just like last time! Always trying to point fingers at everyone else…" Even Yumi took her chance to yell at Houji: "Imagine, accusing poor, innocent So-chan! How dare you, you Michael Jackson impersonator!" Houji stared at them in indignation. "How could I have taken it! I was here playing pin-the-tail-on-the-Battousai the whole time!" "You could easily have had an accomplice! How could you be so cruel…!" Shishio had heard enough. "Houji, it's obvious that you were smuggling instant cappuccino from my personal stash! (Judge Judy voice) Thus, I sentence you to… work at a children's broadcasting company! Like PBS Kids! (A/N: Could you imagine Houji on Sesame Street? It'd give all those little kiddies nightmares for weeks… --U) You could start your own show teaching little kids financing, accounting, and how to grow mold on a business suit!" Houji paled. "But… Shishio-sama…" Shishio: (angry Kaoru eyes and fangs) **_JUST DO IT!_** Houji walked slowly and dejectedly out the door, already plotting the pilot episode of Houji and Friends, a creepy sitcom about a Michael Jackson impersonator and his pet ostrich, Clancy… Shishio smiled. He'd finally gotten rid of Houji, Chou, and Iwanbo. Sweet. Suddenly, a shout from Kamatari shook him out of his fantasy: "It's Sojiro! He's gone!"

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Crispy: Crispy's attempt at a cliffhanger! (Sorry this took literally forever to update…)

Sojiro: I had the worst part ever… first I had to suffer through Usui's childhood memories, _then _I was friggin' _rabid…_

Crispy: I'm sorry, Sojiro-sama… Crispy promises to give you a better part in the next chapter…

Henya: What about me? All I _did _was sit around singing the Hamtaro song!

Crispy: Well… um… I guess that was kinda weird…

Houji: And then you made me get sacked…

Chou: Same here… and you keep dissing on me every time you even mention my name…

Kamatari: And now you're writing me as a 'he' instead of a 'she…'

Crispy: ALRIGHT, I'M FRIGGIN' _SORRY, _OK? (dark muttering)

… at least I'm finally updating! Leave Crispy a review? Please? Or I'll have to bring back Houji in the next chapter… hehehehe…

Shishio: Oh, god… review, seriously… I don't think she's kidding… (shudder)

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Review responses! I've never done these before, and I figured I probably should… I'll put them by chapter, so…

**Chapter 1:**

Ms Cynical: Glad you like it! I agree, Sojiro-sama is the cutest ever! I'm not going to kill Saito-sama… he's one of my favorite characters now… kinda weird how I flip around so much… n.n I won't deny my craziness… Kami knows I'm insane… Or so the little voices tell me…

Subtle Illusions: Thanks, I know I'm insane…n.n Shishio would make such the funniest singer dude… have you heard Towa no Mirai? (It's one of the Ruroken ending themes) try to visualize Shishio-san singing that… it's scarier than Henya on Zoloft… n.n

KomoPineconeseed: Connie! I'm responding to your review! And stuff! …two words… Time Machine. n.n ehehehe… so happy you reviewed! (Don't worry, I have a worse memory than anybody in the world… trust me… n.n)

**Chapter2: **

Anime-Freak713: I updated. n.n

**Chapter 3: **

Alatril Carnesr: Thank you so much! n.n Ehehe, everyone loves Sojiro-sama… n.n thanks for adding me to favorite stories and stuff! Crispy feels so special… n.n

**Chapter 4: **

Alatril Carnesr: Vanilla Frappuccinos rock! n.n Satan the bagel… lol, sounds like an idea…! n.n I used the mouse idea, thanks! And my fic inspires people…! To try coffee! You won't regret it…! As Sojiro-sama and Shishio-san would agree: COFFEE ROCKS! n.n

Anime-Freak713: Thanks! And yeah… I have a lot of demented ideas like that… n.n

**Chapter 5: **

Alatril Carnesr: Ehe, don't worry about being behind on reviews, Crispy has her own bad habit of procrastinating for stuff like responding to emails, (cough) her reviews (cough) and reviewing stories… n.n

Anime-Freak713: I know how you feel about the voices… the voices are what persuaded me to try coffee originally… (nervous laugh) I'm glad you think I'm crazy, everyone should think that! n.n

**Chapter 6: **

Alatril Carnesr: Yes, very random! n.n Cappuccinos are awesome! NOOO, SOJIRO-SAMA… ; . ; … oh well… I call dibs after you! (psychotic laugh) n.n

Anime-Freak713: Himura-san is obsessed with bagels because of this one really demented story I wrote about a year ago, it was this really weird choose your own adventure style thing and you play as Kenshin, there's only one way you don't die (Out of like, 30 choices) and even then Kenshin goes insane and bagel obsessed… I could put up the link for it if you want, fanfic won't allow the format… ; . ; … it's really creepy, like with Jin-e the Sears air conditioning installer dude… n.n The fanclub is basically an anime fan club altogether, anyone can join whenever, you just pick a character you're a lot like, and represent them… it's scarily fun… (creepy laugh) n.n

**Chapter 7: **

Alatril Carnesr: Yay, Bagel-man is evil! EVIL! (holds up Death To Houji sign) Exams are annoying, Sessha knows… I wish I got a Sojiro under _my _Christmas tree… ; ;

Anime-Freak713: Thanks for the correction! n.n

**Chapter 8:**

Psycho Sword Lady: Hi, Psycho-san! I'm finally posting this… it's taken forever, sorry… I'll keep up the confusing randomness! (Seems to be the only thing Crispy is good at… n.n)

Soujiro's Girl: Thanks! And I fixed the format! n.n

Alatril Carnesr: Hitler salute…? O.o I wish I had a mountain of Sojiro plushies… ; ; Sojiro is so awesome! (hearts floating around head) n.n I also fixed the format…

Mysterious Samurai: I fixed the format, glad you like the story! n.n

**Chapter 9:**

Toxic Bishounen: Thanks…! (Crispy isn't used to so much complimentage) n.n Tell me when you get the Sojiro-sama C2 thing up, 'kay? It sounds awesome! n.n Sojiro plushie… I seriously have to get one of those… I'd like, worship it… (insane fangirl laugh) A larger-than-life Sojiro poster? Wow, you must be a really great artist! Btw, I read and reviewed your fic, it's awesome! n.n

SouMi Forever: Yay, I'm random and demented! n.n Glad you like it, I guess Crispy isn't that well known on fanfic, yet… oh well, Sessha cares not! n.n I have to say, tho', I personally don't really like the Sojiro/Misao pairing… It's not because I'm being selfish, but because of actual Ruroken reasons. Sojiro/Misao is an alternate pairing, and I usually don't like those because they go against Watsuki-sama's wishes. Misao and Aoshi are together (maybe even married 0.o) in "Haru no Sakura," a Watsuki original published after "Rurouni Kenshin", and I personally think that they're a cute couple. Sojiro is created to be a loner character originally, and I doubt he could be in a true relationship with anybody until he learns to control his emotions after his battle with Himura, and that will take longer than 10 years, assumably (Himura took 10 years and still hadn't gotten rid of the Battousai inside him.) and by then, Misao will have forgotten about him completely. (Remember that they have never truly _met, _Misao only saw Sojiro fight Kenshin at Shingetsu village for maybe 5 minutes, tops.)

Psycho Sword Lady: Oro… Psycho-san, all this dying laughing probably isn't good for your health… (nervous laugh) Crispy wants a Sojiro plushie… (goes off to stalk E-bay)

Random Person: I don't like the Sojiro/Misao pairing, and I have plenty of reasons. (Copy/pasted from my review to 'SouMi forever,' gomen nasai) It's not because I'm being selfish, but because of actual Ruroken reasons. Sojiro/Misao is an alternate pairing, and I usually don't like those because they go against Watsuki-sama's wishes. Misao and Aoshi are together (maybe even married 0.o) in "Haru no Sakura," a Watsuki original published after "Rurouni Kenshin", and I personally think that they're a cute couple. Sojiro is created to be a loner character originally, and I doubt he could be in a true relationship with anybody until he learns to control his emotions after his battle with Himura, and that will take longer than 10 years, assumably (Himura took 10 years and still hadn't gotten rid of the Battousai inside him.) and by then, Misao will have forgotten about him completely. (Remember that they have never truly _met, _Misao only saw Sojiro fight Kenshin at Shingetsu village for maybe 5 minutes, tops.)

Chikky-chan: I'm sorry, I don't really know you, so I don't think I can put you in the story… sorry!

Alatril Carnesr: The world may never know… in other words, I never thought out what I was writing… hmm… --U

**Chapter 10:**

Mysterious Samurai: Thanks! n.n

Psycho Sword Lady: Happy (extremely) belated birthday! n.n You have a Battousai Voodoo plushie? That's so awesome! I totally have to make one of those… or just get Henya to make one for me… (grabs Hamtaro DVD) Henya. make. Battousai. voodoo. plushie. now. Mufufufufu… (sorry, Crispy can't burn yours… it'd be kinda hard over the internet… gomen nasai… ; ; PS: SHINSENGUMI ROCK! (plays Wars of the Last Wolves full blast while writing this)

Kitty: thanks! n.n

"Oro" 0bject: glad you like it, Sessha is updating! n.n

Toxic Bishounen: Okita Souji-sama and Sojiro-sama are so awesome! I'm thinking of trying to go as Okita-sama for Halloween, 'cause if I put my hair up at the verytop of my head, it's almost exactly the same length as his! (A tiny bit longer, tho'… and I don't have bangs… at all… I grew them out too long, and now… --U) I'm really glad you like the story! btw, I heard that there's a new Shinsengumi manga coming out—I think it's called Kaze-Hikaru, or something like that… I'm not even sure if it's Shinsengumi, but I read this cheesy 5 page preview in this one Shoujo Beat free handout thing, the characters names were Hijikata, Okita, Harada, and others… it was also obviously the time-period, it looked like a kendo manga… hmm… PS: Shoujo Beat actually sucks, the only even remotely cool thing was the Shinsengumi thing I'm not even sure if it was a Shinsengumi thing…

Sora Miyara: Hi, Sora-san! n.n I got the Mr. Ducky saga thing, it was awesome! n.n

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… Well, glad to get _that _outta the way… n.n I'll do these for every chapter after this, except it'll obviously be a lot shorter… so, 'till next time, I guess…

-Crispy


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